They honestly make me sick to my stomach, they really, really do! Its happened to me once before, luckily I was over the poor, sorry bastard by the time I found out but it still made me feel like a complete and utter idiot. How could I have been so blind, it still made me look back and try to figure out where I had missed it two years down the line. I still get a kick out of remembering how he cried about the fact that our relationship was over, I still get kick out of the fact that he thought that he wasnt good enough for me because ultimately at the end of the day that what the truest thing that ever came out of his mouth.

Right now I am sitting in a situation where a “friend”, not a good one but an acquaintance never the less, is cheating on his girlfriend. But not just with anyone, another girl who just so happens to be friends with one of my good friends. I had to sit in the bar the other day and watch while he kissed and cuddled his girlfriend while the girl he is fucking (what else can you call it) was sitting on the same couch just one person down. He tries to justify it with things like, he was drunk, they had broken up (they had, had a fight) and a whole manner of excuses that would never hold up if the truth ever had to reveal itself.

I tried to get one of his good friends to talk some sense into him, boy oh boy, did I land in a world of shit, none of the friends knew and all of a sudden I was the baddy, I was jealous, whatever. So finally all of his friends now know but no one has the balls to say anything. The truth was revealed to his friends six months ago and yet they still go to the bar and watch their friend lie and cheat on someone who he says he loves. That really makes me sick.

If I say something it has the potential to mess up a friendship of mine, if I say anything it will divide a lot of people. So I sit and I watch and I remember how I felt the day someone had the balls to tell me that the man I thought I loved was screwing someone else.

H

Yes, I know its been ages but I’ve been going through some kind of transition, I dont know how to explain it. I’ve been a bad friend and I’ve been very self indulgent, confused and I dont know how else to put other than I feel like my dreams for the future are changing and I blame my overies. I hate to harp on the whole I’m 30 boohoo but seriously it does make you start to see things differently.

I dont have time for bullshit, I dont have time for idiots and I think I am a little more sensitive in some areas but a little more full of shit in others. You definitely realise who your friends are, the ones you are going to keep for life and the ones who you dont really need.  Your eyes open very wide to the reality of who people really are and whether or not you want that influence in your life. I am definitely finding it alot easier to tell people where to shove it. Also I quite like who I am and fuck anyone who doesnt like it – bit of a fat ass at the moment but hey I still feel beautiful until I see the photographs lol…

The mantox, the damn mantox was destroyed by a drunken phone call to the Guru, eek, yes I know, I know, I should have just let sleeping dogs lie but when you have an itch well you know, scratch, scratch, scratch. So over it. Its been about 3yrs of scratching and what more is there? You never know whats going to happen after a couple of tequila’s, actually in general life just throws you into this repetitive game over and over and Slaapstad is killing me with its monotonous tones of grey people. The Guru is starting to turn a lighter shade of grey and I’m just damn bored of the whole situation. I would like to think its over now.

I ran into another one on Friday, the Player, drunk again and looking to score (me not him), I just dont get it, why I set myself up to fail just because its easier than the reality of trying to find someone new, someone that actually cares. This past summer I’ve had at least two guys who actually wanted to date me and I’ve batted them for a six. Maybe its the whole nice guy thing again, the one had shaky hand syndrome, “ohmigod a breast, a breast, must touch it, I’ve never seen one before” argh, nothing worse than a guy who doesnt know what he’s doing. The other was an afrikaaner who probably cant say his th’s, “can I like to caress your jeanpant wiff my hand” ja, no, its not going to happen dude, I would wrap you around my little finger and crush you.

On a lighter note, I went to a friends wedding this weekend, I met so many cool people and I had so much fun dancing the night away. I met guys that could actually discuss novels (unfortunately in relationships), guys who were actually interesting and it made me open my eyes to the fact that maybe just maybe, all is not lost and I will find that sex god who blows my mind with his mind and I just need to be more open to possibilities, allow the real in and stop giving wankers licence to get into my pants. And dammit I am such a romantic and after watching how my parents loved each other, I so badly want that too. Damn Hollywood with their grandious ideas of what love is all about, stories of princesses and freaking happy endings, I think they’ve screwed up our generation with their fake realities.

So for now I am just going to live my life, stop watching romcoms and reading those trashy romcom books and keep on living life and making the most of every moment because who knows whats coming next, I have to make my life mine and the time is now.

Happy New Year people I hope 2011 is full of adventure!!

H xx

You would think I would be clawing at straws by now but surprisingly I’m okay. Okay I’m a lighter shade of purple. And I attempted sexually abusing Toy Boy on Thursday night before promptly getting bored and kicking him out of my flat (I was defriended on facebook because of this ha ha). I have no shame when I am drunk and I actually told him I was bored and that it was time to leave, he wasnt impressed, I didn’t care, I still don’t care, does that make me a bad person. Boys that smell like dove soap, I don’t know hey, my clit died.

Less than two weeks till Daisies, there’s a new boy that I like, he’s emotionally unstable, just broken up with his girlfriend and acts like a cocky wanker in front of his friends. On the other hand he loves the same music that I do, likes me for all my bullshit and we can talk for hours and hours. He even called me exotically beautiful, does that mean the same thing that cute does? Hope not. I am not sure if Daisies is the right time to attempt a fondle with this boy. But man I want him. Did I mention he plays the drums too, yesiree, this boy used to play in a band, sexy Rocker boy mmmm…. Leave me be all I have left are my fantasies.

My mate and I went onto some dating websites the other day (is this a sign of pure and unadulterated desperation eek), and I decided I am not quite ready to pay to date, why must I pay someone to get introduced to some new boys. Is it the sign of the times that everything is done in front of a freaking computer and no one just goes out and meets people. Vomit not quite ready to follow that path. Desperation is not in my vocabulary just yet.

No news, no penis, does 3 months of no sex make me a virgin again?

H

I wish that was a true story except it’s actually been 80 days since I got laid, yes, I actually calculated it. It’s that sad, well in my world, that sad. The drought led to a self-imposed mantox, the thought goes like this, “well if I am not interested in fucking anyone right now and there is nobody that I am attracted to enough to fuck, then why fuck for the sake of fucking?” Although if a man had to gently caress any one of my sexy bits I would probably come on the spot, I am one giant hormone ball, PMS included.

So I am trying for 100 days now, that will take us to the 5th of October (yes I calculated it) and if I can make it through Daisies without rampant bunny tent sex then I am may even try six months and if I can get to six months (which by the way I havent done since I was about 18) I may even try for a year. It’s quite a hectic prospect but I am trying out a new theory, “you don’t get touch me until you have mentally stimulated me.” And since I find mental stimulation quite a difficult thing to come by in Slaapstad, I reckon this should be a very interesting year ha ha

In a way I have also just decided that I miss the relationship I had with Bad Shag, yes, he was a Bad Shag but we could talk for hours and there was that emotional connection over the sex, so now its my mission to find both. And if it means giving up the sex for a little while to find it, then why not I am up for trying something new, always

I havent made a decision about whether or not this no sex thing will include touching and kissing and well all the other rad stuff that precedes sex, yet. We shall see I can’t jump the gun, it hasn’t even been a 100 days yet ha ha

If I can give up sex, I must have the will power somewhere in me to give up smoking, shew…

H

No shag buddies, no potential boys, no nothing…

Not since England lost to Germany in the WC, what next?

H

I was sitting having a beer with Muis the other day and I came to the conclusion that men who are ambitious really freaking turn me on. Cleverness matched with ambition makes me weak in the knees. Looking at history and blah blah, the only guys that I have really gone for have been these successful, intelligent, go-getters mmmm…

Irish was on his way up, playing the stock market, Furball is a genius scientist/businessman, Guru well I wont mention what he does but it extremely successful and clever. The rest are all pretty much in the same category. Ambitious and hard-working, I wont lie it makes me a little tingly down below.

Things that turn me on, conversation, a proper conversation really turns me on, it’s all about communication for me not necessarily in the bedroom as well but outside. If I can have a proper conversation with you, then well the rest will follow accordingly.

Met a weird boy the other day, what is with weird boys and their need to sms stalk you about how they just want to cuddle no strings attached. Fuck off seriously, I am not going to give you licence to fondle my soft bits, sorry dude. If I am not attracted to you when royally dronk, then I will never be attracted to you.

I have also realised, as all woman are, at some point in their lives, incredibly manipulative. If I am about to not get my own way I will pull every trick out of my bag to make it go my way, there is only one person on this planet who doesn’t fall for it. No names mentioned but it seriously drives me insane and once again the tingles start. A man who doesn’t fall for my bullshit they are few a far between unfortunately this one is off-limits, playing the game is fun but games only get you so far.

So I have rambled enough for one evening I think its time to head out for drinks and some good tunes…feel it, it is here, Friday, shew I have missed you.

H

I wish all the things I think about after the fact, would come into my brain while the argument is actually occurring and I really wish that people out there would stop being so incredibly petty and causing shit for the sake of causing shit because they havent had a power trip in awhile. People tend to forget where I come from, people tend to forget that although I dont name drop, I know people and to stand there and try to speak the truth, when I know I am right will only make you fall very hard.

The game has only just begun, this is going to be fun, thank God the hormones are back in check, tears ducts check, chin up check, walking with my head held high the way my Mommy taught me, check.

“Fok hulle Pa, ne Pa, fok hulle!”

H

My new favourite band, pure awesomness, these lyrics are so pertinent because of the extreme drunk insanity last night, I pulled off an evil drunk, tequila is not my friend, it turns me into a cocky, arrogant, invincible bitch. Tequila, who needs cocaine? Made a new friend in a local Long Street Bergie called August, then walked into new flat block and found another bergie sleeping in the passageway, interesting times, Town is just interesting in general. Also realised that the friendship rules dont apply the same way in Town, maybe I care too much once again but hey that was a learning curve all on its own, apparently everyone is just looks out for themselves. Agh thats not going to stop me from caring, I dont agree with that rule especially when it applies to people that you care about, or just a drunk aquaintance in general.

Anyway here are the awesomeness lyrics to my new favourite song:

Sick Puppies – Odd one

Odd one, you’re never alone
I’m here and I will reflect you
Both of us basically unattached
To anything or anyone unless we’re pretending
You live your life in your head
Some call it imagination
I’d rather focus instead on anything except
What I’m feeling
What I’m feeling
Odd one…

Hey, it’s gonna be okay
Hey, we’re gonna laugh at this one day

Odd one, I wish I was you
You’re never concerned with acceptance
We are all desperately seeking out,
And fitting in with anyone
Who will accept us
But not you, odd one

Hey, it’s gonna be okay
Hey, we’re gonna laugh at this one day

Hey, it’s gonna be okay
Hey, gonna laugh at this one day

Hey, it’s gonna be okay
Hey, we’re gonna laugh at this one day

Don’t let someone tell you you’re no-one
Don’t let someone tell you you’re no-one
Odd one…

H

Hey its been awhile, too much of a social life and my body murdered me for it but the good news is I finally accomplished the one thing that I set out for they year, I finally moved to town. Yes, it only took me a year and half to do it but frik its finally done and dusted and I am so excited. I am so close to everything, I can walk everywhere and its awesome. Step 2 – find a new job in a media related field. How the hell do you do that when the only experience you really have is in freaking sales. Media sales – cold calling – vomit.

So to head to the topic at hand, one thing I have noticed lately is that shag buddies dont like it when you move them to the friend category. I dont see anything wrong with moving a guy over once the shag buddy situation has well, burned itself out but they dont see you like that, they dont see you as a friend, they just see you as that girl they fucked for a few months nothing more, nothing less. Besides all those conversations that burned the midnight oil, telling your deepest darkest secrets post shag, lying there discussing  the what, where and why’s of life, so for me to just walk away and not be your friend is quite difficult. They dont see it that way, “oh well, I cant call you after a night out so ja, whats the point of responding to your texts?” I just dont get? Maybe its a girl thing, we cant help caring, crap that sucks, sometimes I wish I didnt care if you had a kak day at work. Sometimes I really wish I just didnt give a flying continental if you stubbed your toe. But I do,  even though 9/10 it was just sex once I haved moved you over to the friend category, I still want you to be apart of my life because you were for so long and I care about your stubbed toe. Its so frikking hard not to care. Ja, its definitely a girl thing.

Why cant girls and boys be friends once they have been shag buddies? I would love to hear what boys have to say on that. Furball and I are still friends but I suppose that was different we are like two peas in pod.

I’m over it, if thats the way it should be then so be it, carefree shagging hmmm who knows if its possible if you have ovaries. Its not like I want you to be my boyfriend for petes sakes. Maybe thats what they are thinking, that if you are too nice to them that you luuuurvve them. No, its called having a freaking personality and that damn caring thing again, I dont want you for your manhood anymore but I do enjoy your brain, is that too hard to comprehend?

No, I’m not angry, just trying to understand what goes through boys brains?

Oh well, off to comedy, should be good one!

H

PS Bring on the cheese, dont judge me for my love of Bieber!!

On the one hand I wholeheartedly believe that as woman we should be able to be sexually liberal pick and choose who we want to “fuck” or “do” without misconceptions or judgment but in South Africa there is still that element of conservative thinking, we will be judged as scarlet lettered woman, we wont be seen as free thinking, free-spirited girls, with probably a higher IQ than the next. Girls will never be seen as perhaps someone who enjoys fucking for the sake of fucking but rather as slutty little whores or desperate.

I have found in my textbook of shag buddys that the fact that I am extremely liberated, love shagging with the lights on and don’t mind telling them what to do (because sometimes they are just doing it bloody wrong) is incredibly threatening to their manhood.  Being sexually strong and with a brain cell or two is actually threatening to some males and their insecurities start shining through. They don’t need to prove anything to me but because I have a number to look back to and measure against, they feel they need to. Its boring, guys that over try bore me to tears. I could always start writing about fucking vs nice and slow but I suppose that would take me off the topic at hand.

There is the other side of the coin to being liberal (yes, lets euphamise slut), all the dirty little things that can happen when you like a shag or two but I like to think I am educated enough to know how to use a condom and to take responsibility for my actions, miss gynae and mr condom go hand in hand.

So what actually makes a girl a slut, is there a certain number of guys she must have shagged in order to get that status, are we not free thinking enough to see the other side and that what men can do woman can sometimes do better. Can we not just be seen as human with sexual thoughts and feelings instead what society expects us to be. I don’t want to sit at home on a Saturday night and watch romcoms waiting for the romance and sexual chemistry to happen, I want to make it happen.

As Dorothy so poignantly put it “I’d rather be a happy slut than a miserable prude.”

H