What to do??

January 31, 2010 at 9:31 pm (Uncategorized)

The world is a weird and wonderful place. I ask myself the question, where do I go from here, what do I  say, I close my eyes and I take myself to that happy place, a place where the person I want, wants me too. My friends tell me that I should just say it, let it be known, I dont know if I can. He’s a good friend, someone that I trust, someone that stimulates my mind and someone that I wish cared about me the way that I care about him.

The thing is, I wouldnt be completely heartbroken if he said he didnt want what I want, I think I would be more scared of losing the friendship if I made my feelings known, what do I do, what do I do. I think I already messed up one friendship just by kissing him can you imagine if destroyed another by telling them that I cared. I dont want that, what do I do? Men are such feeble creatures, they get so awkward, I get over things and move on, I dont hold on to the pettiness, I would rather hold onto whats real, its not hard really.

Should I take that chance?

On a lighter note, I kissed guy on Friday and he’s completely into me. He’s not bad, he just sends irritating texts. Is it wrong of me to judge a guy because he spells out his texts like “wud, cud,2 and grl.”  I know its bad, I really should just take Vic’s advice and take it as it comes but patience is not my forté. I will give him a chance, I need to stop being a judgemental bitch as Muis would say.

So we have a date on Thursday, I havent been on a real date in ages, please hope and pray that the bitch wall doesnt come, it blocks even the best of intentions, I need to be nice, I get so frigging cocky and the word “really” gets used far too often, I must sound like such a snob.

Oh well, its bed time for me, Muis has been feeding me the devils lettuce and I am far to pensive for my liking.

H

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Invictus

January 27, 2010 at 9:52 pm (2009)

So I have some good news, my boss is awesome!! Yes, it does contradict all previous statements but one minute I really hate my job (I still do) and then he does something awesome like gives me a huge bonus. You have to understand how this company works to understand how awesome the bonus can be. We don’t get pension or medical aid but we get the Bonus!! The bonus is based on quarterly targets, quite large targets – we aren’t really talking sales here – its more corporate, no cold calling, just dealing with clients in general. But if you suck up enough to the mini managers of this world the bonus can be a happy place to be. I’m not talking a few cents here and there; I’m talking a 13th cheque every 3 months. Probably the only reason I am still working for this place. It’s actually quite evil because one minute you are finally looking for another job and the next you want to actually work harder for the bastard. He might just be using some Jedi mind trick but damn it really works.

So right now I am paying off debt, Zille (my car) is getting a facelift due to some unfortunate damage on an unfortunate weekend, I am finally getting a long overdue haircut and I think I may just go shopping, what the hell, I feel a La Senza mission coming on. Pamper day!!

So I have finally put my nose in a book, my brain is being drained by Communication Law, right now they are just discussing the different aspects of each court and how it all works. Alot of it I already know, alot of it is common knowledge, alot of it you can learn just by watching Boston Legal but that’s just the first chapter, just you wait I will finally get to see how much of the stuff I write about and the people I write about can nail me in the butt one day. Please hope and pray that bad shag never reads this and little dick shew, hopefully never.

But damn I am feeling positive about the future, my Dad went to watch Invictus and this poem came out of it.  Poetry is such a special “language” I always tend to find poems that speak to me and inspire me, this poem reflects where I am right now, the studies, work and in general day-to-day life:

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

H 😉

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Drinking, Laughing, Mindless, Butterflys…

January 21, 2010 at 8:46 pm (Uncategorized)

So I am starting to feel alot more human although the 30 degree day outside doesnt help when you are trying to get on top of things. Less stressed out about the studies, hmm I just need to get a hold on things to make it all okay I reckon.

Its been really difficult going back to work, brain cell after brain cell is destroyed each day, I cant do it anymore, the mindlessness of it all drives me insane, maybe the studies will make me feel like an intelligent human being again. I love my clients though, love them.

Alot has been on my mind lately, trying to move forward in 2010 is going to be so difficult – I am a procrastinator at heart, why do today what you can do tomorrow kind of attitude and that needs to stop. I have also been allowing things to get way out of hand, plan bring crazy back isnt necessarily the right way to go about things and I find myself out with friends hopelessly drunk and behaving in a way that I dont agree with. No I dont turn into a right slapper, I just get incredibly full of shit, the cockyness turns evil and the evil turns into pointless, unreasonable arguments. Thank God I have good friends who are willing to put up with my shit but no more I dare say, no more. I cant put them in that situation and I cant put myself in that situation anymore. To be honest I’m a complete bitch when I am pissed and I say nasty things and I’m cruel, horribly cruel. And if you push me hard enough – I cry – not a good place to be, when you have an unreasonable bitch on your hands.

I am still so bored, the parties are fun dont get me wrong, my mind just feels so bored, I go out and I hope and pray that I will meet someone that will open my mind and allow me to discuss something intelligent for once. Instead I am left with meaningless conversation about the weather, how pissed they were last weekend, what was said and what was done and the shock horror of it all, who sucked face with who. “That slapper, no really!! I cant beleive she did that, that whore!” Argh!! It drives me to drink, honestly it does, just so that I can allow the stupidity to flow over me without wanting to climb the walls.

Just once I want to sit down and discuss a great book, politics, religion and no not sex, I think I talk about that far to often. Just once I want to be asked my views on something thats a little more stimulating, anything will do.

I am lucky though, incredibly lucky that I have the friends that I do, they protect me and they laugh with me and at me but thats okay.  We get angry and we scream and shout at each other and then laugh it off the next day and they protect me from myself when I am too mushy and full of endorphins to think for myself. Yes, there, I am lucky.

So news, I like two guys, is that possible?? I am weirding myself out by the day, I feel really mushy, its almost an Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem. Have I been watching to many RomComs lately??

The one stimulates my mind and the other one makes me feel like a teenager.

Yes the mushiness needs to stop, its bad for me and stops me from protecting myself! But for now its just a whole lot of fun and I am enjoying the butterflys.

Big love to my friends, you guys know who you are, thank you for always being there for me through all the bullshit. Love you guys!

H

PS I still love Jared Leto

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Oh Crap I’m “in like”

January 10, 2010 at 4:43 pm (Uncategorized)

PS I unfortunately had to delete this post due to cosmomemoirs being compromised! I really must stop getting drunk and telling close friends about it.

🙂

H

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Do Not Disturb!!

January 5, 2010 at 7:12 pm (2009, 2010, Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

Happy New Year!! I cant believe that its already 2010, shew 2009 went quickly, is that an old age thing?? I left for Kenton on Sea on the 27th Dec and had a week of pure heaven, waking up only to roll into the ocean for my morning swim and only leaving the couch when a drinking session was in order. It is truly one of the most beautiful places that I have ever been.

Some craziness was of course in order with tour de Kenton being the start off, an afternoon of cycling and down downs, drunken mayhem with cyclists rolling into the ocean. I was of course in the back of the bakkie with my shooter girls, damn those okes were dronken.  Lets just say the week was mad, relaxing and beautiful. I really didnt want to come home, I really didnt want to go back to work today with a beautiful Slaapstad day looming, 31 degrees later and 8hrs wasted. New Years resolution: FIND A NEW JOB!!

So ummm some craziness did go down, I hate it when I am put in a situation where I dont know what to do.  I went up to Kenton with my eye’s open, I know my mate Slug has always liked me but unfortunately I just dont feel the same. He’s not a bad guy, I just dont see him like that. Tour de Kenton is where it all started really, drunkeness followed by passing out next to him, he tried his luck, I didnt know what to do, I pretended to sleepily swat his hand away but he kept on trying. What is it with guys, because this has happened before, that makes them think that if a girl goes to sleep next to them that they have the licence to feel her up?? I mean seriously having some guys hard cock ramming my jean pant is just not fucking sexy. I eventually just got angry and told him to fuck off and went to bed. I was drunk it doesnt mean I want to shag you, if I had wanted to shag you I would have ripped your clothes off when we got into bed. Another drunken night, the same thing happened, you would have thought I would have learnt the first time, or rather he would have learnt the first time but to no avail, I had ye olde hard cock ramming my jean pant again. Seriously, no fucking seriously, I was not impressed. This has happened before – situations where I’m too drunk to drive home so I sleep over, hand trying to “gefoefel” the v-jay-jay, not cool. Other situations where its a good friend and you are just napping over and the hand starts trying to touch the boobies, not kosher my friend not kosher.

I just dont get it? What makes guys think that they can do that? I have showed no interest whatsoever, I havent even sucked face with you, I am about to pass out into my comotose drunken slumber and now you want to play? Lank romantic.

Anyhoo, he eventually got over it, I think my telling him when he was sober that his behaviour deserved a good ballatijie kicking, made him see sense – finally!!

So its 2010, my new favourite saying for 2010 is “check that Betty!!”, but you have to say it with a proper jo’burg coogirl accent!! Hilarious! The last night we were there, we were on the cane train, tequila being poured down our throats it was crazy. Lyn was off her trolley and then the famous saying came out “check that BETTY!!” There was this poor girl who was clearly high on something holding onto a pole and lifting up her skirt and showing off her v-jay-jay Paris Hilton style. It makes me scared to have children one day.

It was a hilarious week, funny and fucked up and just incredibly awesome all round. Totally nearly had an “ugly cry” when I left (another holiday joke, I guess you had to be there).

So 2010, its going to to be mad, my song of summer attached.

H 😉

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