The shag buddy & the commitment phobe

February 27, 2010 at 10:29 am (Uncategorized)

Vic made a statement this morning with regards to always going for the unavailable male “when you are afraid of commitment you always tend to go for guys that are unavailable!” True or false? I finally told the Guru that I have feelings for him, not because I want him to fall down on his knees and confess his everlasting love but because it means that the shag buddy situation that we have been in for the last year and half has got to end. With regards to the shag buddy scenario there is such a fine line, whoever said that females cant have unemotional sex lied however if the sex continues for period of time feelings develop as has happened with the Guru, its unfortunate but true. He’s a great guy dont get me wrong but I cant continue being this toy that is played with, he’s never been nasty and has always been upfront about everything I cant fault him but I want the more that he cant give.

This is where Vic’s statement becomes relevant, I have been looking at my “dating history” since bad shag:

  1. The Irish – complete bad boy, workaholic who brought sexy back to Holly Land
  2. The Stoner – very stupid so therefore no potential whatsoever great weed though
  3. Furball – naughty boy, the boy I fell in love with but I was also leaving London so therefore commitment was never on the cards. But one thing I will stay he is everything that I look for in a potential partner, clever, naughty, great sex and he makes me giggle like a school girl – but once again no commitment. (It took me longer to get over that 9 month relationship than it took me to get over my 3 year relationship with Bad Shag)
  4. Furballs Friend – Successful but never around long enough for anything to venture further currently on another continent.
  5. The Guru – The guru and I have known each other for a long time, not well though, he was madly into my ex housemate but I have alot of respect for him, I respect what he’s done with his life and he friggin reads and he tells it like it is and he’s not stupid, I can actually have an intelligent conversation with him but once again all he was was a shag buddy nothing more. A means to an end, unfortunate but true. The unavailable therefore no commitment.
  6. Skinny boy – Leonardo Di Caprio hot but only ever calls when hammered and tends to go for Camps Bay types and far too complicated and seriously lacking in the intelligent conversation department.

I feel like I am finally ready to venture into the lala land of relationships but looking back all signs point to the the fact that I may just be commitment phobic. Who knew? I am sick of being used and abused by the males species yet when a nice one comes along, one with potential and who is lovely and sweet I tend to run as fast as my little legs can carry me. I am also starting to realise that because I have/had a shag buddy it stops me from allowing other guys in. There are guys out there that want me, that want to know me but I am the one thats stopping it from happening. I think I have been lying to myself for a very long time and the lightbulb is only going off now.

What am I afraid of? Being hurt? Rejected (I’ve had plenty of that)? I think I set myself up to be rejected so that I dont have to get hurt, make sense?

Lightbulb moment fuck! What now?

H

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Snuggles and Cuddles – the relationship effect

February 22, 2010 at 7:25 pm (Uncategorized)

“Now I’ll relate this little bit
That happens more than I’d like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score.” – Offspring Self Esteem

I got a call from a mate yesterday, he was hammered but the question was, “Do you want to come over and watch the 8 ‘0 clock movie?” Hmmm I know this story, I have to admit, I know the deal all too well. He’s drunk and looking to score, we have kissed drunkenly before and now he’s made it his mission to get me naked. I on the other hand am not that interested, there was a bit of awkwardness after the last kissing session and I have made it my mission to get the relationship back to friendship level.

Okay I went over there, some may say it was a stupid move, he tried so very hard and I managed to keep him at a distance initially but then I couldnt help but fall into the snuggles and cuddles. I havent had snuggles and cuddles in ages and well he kisses like a champion. Nothing else happened but there is nothing better than a good old fashioned make out session and then just laying there with your head on someones chest listening to their heart beat with their arms wrapped around you.

I miss snuggles and cuddles and really its something that you only really tend to get when you are in a relationship, that closeness, having someone gently caress your skin. It was such a great feeling, I woke up this morning with the birds tweeting and the endorphins pumping though my veins and it almost felt like I had, had an awesome shag  the night before.

It almost makes me wish I was in a relationship again, damn I miss that closeness of having someone know you, really know you. Someone that you can share anything with and that laughs at your sulky face. Someone to have quiet time with, someone that reads – doesnt anyone read anymore?? Someone that frustrates you and makes you crazy but then in the same breath draws you into their arms and makes it all okay.

Whats wrong with me, you would swear that I’ve actually had sex, maybe its the exercise endorphins – evil, crazy, bastard trainer is making me go up a kilo in weights every week, I cant lift my arms.

So to let myself love again, its a difficult one but not impossible.

H

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Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. – Billy Burke

February 21, 2010 at 10:49 am (2010, Guy Skills)

Vic and I have been having the men vs. boys debate, which we prefer and which are better in general ie are the younger ones more inclined to be players vs. the older ones, who some may say have more stability.

I’ll be honest here and say that I have been kissing some older ones recently, by older I mean late thirties early forties and the only difference between them and the boys is experience, nothing changes they are all still players. They all still say the same thing to try and get you into bed, “oh you’re so sexy I just want to get you naked and kiss you all over.”  I have been playing the game far too long to fall for that shit. “You’re amazing, I really want to get to “know” you better!” And then the next day the phone stays silent and you put it down to a new experience and thank the heavens that you didn’t fall for it and hop in the sack with them.  The difference between the men and the boys is perhaps life experience and the conversation is a little bit more intelligent but ultimately they all just want the same thing – a quick shag. Apparently my inability to fall for bullshit makes me high maintenance, as the 37yr old kindly told me last night. But sometimes I don’t want to fuck for the sake of fucking, sometimes I actually want someone to treat me with respect and sometimes I actually do want to get to know someone better before I decide to let them stick their hairy man beast where the sun don’t shine.

I phoned the Guru at 4 this morning, I needed a normal human being that wasn’t going to bullshit me, I hate bullshitters and the Guru doesn’t mess around he tells it like it is. Why can’t all guys be like that? Why cant guys straight off the bat say perhaps “I think you’re hot, I think the sex would be awesome, wanna shag?” “And no I am not going to call you in the morning because I would prefer to just fuck for the sake of fucking?” Now that I can appreciate, you wont necessarily get me into bed but it’s honest and it doesn’t get some girls hopes up that she may have just met a potential BF.

Honestly, try it, there shall be a few hits and misses but at least everyone knows where they stand.

Age doesn’t change men, they all still think with their little puppet down below.

Have you ever played puppet show, puppet show?

H

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A few thoughts

February 16, 2010 at 8:31 pm (Uncategorized)

So apparently I am really crap at this whole blogger thing – I don’t know how to link people (is that what its called??). Sometimes my pictures don’t work, Youtube always works, love Youtube. I really wish they had spell check on here, like Microsoft word spell check type thing that corrects your shitty grammar as you go along and on a sadder note my blogger friend Vic who actually knows how this shit works has resigned – sniff. She would make it pretty for me why Vic WHYYYYYYY (ugly cry).

Nympho dyslexic sent me an sms the other day which of course led to the conversation between Vic and myself about “why is it, that the ones we really cant stand run after us like little lost sheep and the ones we do want play the game or just couldn’t really give a shit??!!” Some might say its the bad boy thing, I have to admit and I know Vic will agree, bad boys are tasty, they are a challenge and whoooweee do I love a challenge, the sex is almost always better and they kiss like champions.  You get to try new things with bad boys and well good boys they tend to be all about what you want, I want to fight to get my own way not just have it handed to me on a silver platter. I LOVE GETTING MY OWN WAY. As Furball so kindly pointed out on Sunday to Vic, “she’s a me, me, me girl in the bedroom”, I tend to disagree, I just believe that I should get what I want first and then you can have your fun hee hee, terrible I know, what happened to learning about sharing in pre school, I think I skipped that chapter. So I’m going off topic here, why is it that the boys you want to call you don’t and the ones you don’t want to call you do?? I seriously don’t see any potential in Nympho dyslexic other than the potential for a restraining order, so why, I ask with tears in my eyes, does he still text me after I have so kindly told him to fuck off?? Are some men just that desperate?? Has his penis inverted itself and grown a vagina? I expect the desperate bullshit from girls, well because we are girls, we have issues and multiple personalities but not some dude.

So I am on mantox at the moment – staying away from the penis – need to stay away from the penis, penis is bad. If I keep telling myself that will it eventually come true? I hope not. But of course it doesn’t prevent me from playing the game, have you met my alter ego, the Bitch. I actually think guys like the Bitch, I don’t give into their demands which of course makes them think they can soften me up which of course then leads to the eye roll and some damning comment which makes them feel like bad, bad men. Actually I quite enjoy the Bitch.

Having Furball here has opened my eyes again, he always does this, opens me up, brings Holly back, London Holly, challenged Holly, I can do anything I want Holly. I really miss him when he’s goes home. But for that short space in time I am me and he is here and we laugh…alot!!

So long, and thanks for all the fish. (google it)

H

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What a kak week…

February 11, 2010 at 8:14 pm (2010)

Some things are better left unsaid – but a good vent is needed. I shall leave out why this week was so kak and instead just blow off some steam.

Guilt: The weekend blew me for a six, I wrote the last post coming off the high of all highs and then the guilt set in, you can sit there and pray for forgiveness but only once you have forgiven yourself can you actually move forward. Slowly but surely I’m getting over it, I’m forgetting and I’m allowing myself to believe that I am actually a good person that did a really stupid thing, we all make mistakes, its just a case of never allowing that mistake to occur ever again.

Confusion: I got such a hectic phone call on Tuesday; it brought everything that I have ever thought or believed into focus. I was so overwhelmed with emotion; I couldn’t breath all I could do was process the information that was given to me. My mind was a whirl of thoughts, I couldn’t take it all in and to be quite honest all I wanted to do was crawl into my happy place and stay there until the bad had moved on. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know why these things happen – okay I know why – and it was one giant reality check. I couldn’t speak and to be quite honest, I still can’t speak, my voice is lost. I shake with emotion as I write this because I still can’t quite believe it. I worry how this will affect things, I worry because it just makes me really sad, the optimism that hold so close has been crushed and I know moving forward a lot has got to change how I view things has got to change. I hope the change will be good and maybe just maybe the change will bring with it, only happy things.

Pain: I started Tae Bo this week, I can’t walk but the pain is a good pain and I have never sweated so much in all my life, I am a lighter shade of puce when I walk out of there but I am working toward a goal. Plus all the pain and exercise has blown off alot of the bad that has occurred this week.

Vampyres: I am so pissed off right now I have just finished reading the sixth book in the House of Night series and ended off on the cliff-hangers of all cliff-hangers and the next book only comes out in April. Harry never did this to me. Damn you teenage Vampyre stories and your crappy endings. (Yes, I can spell that’s just how they spell Vampire)

Good News: Furball is here, even though we haven’t spoken much in the last year, well because he lives in London and I live here, I still classify him as one of the best people that I know. He oozes cleverness and he brings with it his cheeky grin and his ability to cause mayhem. When we get together the naughtiness begins. I really love that boy.

So we end on a good note and I bid you adieu.

H

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Hells, bells what a weekend…

February 7, 2010 at 9:01 pm (2010)

Oh hat, what a weekend, went off the Noordhoek with ten chicks and plenty of white wine, one of my mates is getting married and all hell broke loose.

Friday was pretty chilled, just a few drinkys due to an insane amount of margherita’s drunk at Pancho’s in Obs on Thursday, beautiful views and lots of giggles. We were all princesses for the weekend, ten girls wondering around in tiara’s and porno nametags – I was Lusty Busty for two days so bad.

We hit Skebanga’s/Red Herring on Saturday night but you must understand we had been drinking since 9am, we were all pretty hammered and as always when hammered stupid Holly makes an appearance, cocky full of shit Holly came to the table. A very naughty Holly did some very questionable things that makes a very sobre Holly feel quite guilty today. I tried something that I have always wanted to try and I did something that I said I would never ever do again. The crazy was in full swing. Today I am suffering for it, today I pleading with myself for forgiveness  and today I am hanging like I have never hung before.

My friends say I should just laugh it off and put it down to a new experience, one for the memoirs which I shall dare to write one day. I choose to never allow myself to be in that situation again and I choose to smile secretly to myself as  I remember the crazy. I dare say that it was awesome as guilt ridden as I am this is definitely one night that I will never forget.

H 😉

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Dulce et Decorum est

February 4, 2010 at 11:42 pm (2010)

One of my favourite poems, coining one of many phrases “War and the pity of war”, Wilfred Owen died just days before WWI ended but he humanised war through his poetry.

DULCE ET DECORUM EST1

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares2 we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest3 began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots4
Of tired, outstripped5 Five-Nines6 that dropped behind.

Gas!7 Gas! Quick, boys! –  An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets8 just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime9 . . .
Dim, through the misty panes10 and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering,11 choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud12
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest13
To children ardent14 for some desperate glory,
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est

Pro patria mori.15

Wilfred Owen.

I do believe in never forgetting the past, as what has happened in the past will of course shape all futures. Think about it?

We are living in a world were countries are destroyed daily by war, you would think that we would have learnt from our past mistakes but to no avail. The many faces of war, greed, religion and power.

When will we learn?

H

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Just another day at the office:)

February 1, 2010 at 6:04 pm (2010, Fun and Games)

me: this dude sent me the pornoist sms ever babe

i’m not seeing him ever again

screw the date I don’t need to eat

Vic*: ?

3:18 PM me: a direct quote would be:

3:19 PM Where is ur work? Coz i really cu & hv hot steamin sex on ur desk. I’m gonna free 1530 if you interested

3:20 PM Vic: LOL

men are such idiots

on one hand you have a dyslexic nympho male

3:21 PM and then on the other side i have a clingy shy one

i say to hell with both of them, let’s go out soon and get new ones 🙂

3:22 PM me: i just canned myself stupid in the office ha ha ha ha ha ha

3:23 PM Vic: lol

you know what tho, i bet he thinks this is what you want to hear

me: dyslexic nympho

i do talk dirty when i am drunk its a bad trait

Vic: cos you wanted to get action on friday and he was all virtuous

3:24 PM so no he thinks you’re a nymph too and probably totally into his texts

lol

just like shy boy* thinks i’m all into that sweet hand holding bs cos i was drunkenly saying shit on friday

3:25 PM from now on, we keep our drunken thoughts to ourselves and act like we couldn’t give a shit about them at all 😉

well, other than vague interest, hehe

treat them mean, keep them keen 😀

3:26 PM me: babe seriously need to stop talking dirty when i’m hammered

Vic: ye

and i need to stop going for nerds

3:27 PM me: i dont get it though

Vic: and figure out why i keep attracting number crunchers

we must aim higher

3:29 PM me: i dont do manual labour babe

3:30 PM i just cant, plus he lives off the N1, i dont like that highway and i try to avoid it at all costs unless i am going to RTD

Vic: ye

3:32 PM shy boy has a lot of plusses, including living and working nearby

but no muscles, no car and bad eye contact that makes me a little wary

3:33 PM and horrible and mean and shallow as this sounds, i can’t respect a guy who is too shy or clingy

especially not after dating a (albeit nerdy and r-tarded) alpha male

me: BRB

3:46 PM me: shew

computer just bombed

3:47 PM Vic: fun

4:00 PM me: just got another text

hes majorly sorry

and understands if i never want to c him again

lol

4:01 PM Vic: lol

what did you reply to that first one?

me: he’s cooked babe

4:02 PM “seriously i dont know you well enough to be receiving texts like that, thats reserved for people who are in a relationship. Its a bit too much too soon Nympho Dyslexic*.”

4:03 PM Vic: lol, nice one

me: ha ha

never again

Vic: ye, sjoe

4:04 PM why can’t they just get it right

honestly just wish i could find one friggin guy who understands that fine balance between loser and freak

just one!

4:05 PM me: same here

4:06 PM such a freak of nature

4:07 PM Vic: totally

4:08 PM they are all either players, TOO nice (read wimps) or they’re freaks

FACT

4:17 PM me: big time – I think i will just say that i dont think we are on the same intellectual level and i dont think we should pursue this any further

4:18 PM Vic: lol, that sounds pretty arrogant and mean – just say that you’re not interested in pursuing a relationship at this point

4:19 PM that’s more or less what i’m going to say to shy boy

just think it’s best to let them down gently

me: i cant say that we havent even had our first date yet

4:20 PM Vic: yes, but you can say that you’re not looking to date

me: i need to just say i dont think we are suitably matched you want one thing and i cant give it to you, you dyslexic nypmho

Vic: telling someone you can’t see them because you’re better than them just isn’t the ideal way to do things 😉

me: i know

4:21 PM ha ha ha

but wouldn’t it be fun

Vic: just say you don’t think it will work, and wish him well

then you can ignore any replies

4:22 PM but just like i can’t tell shy boy i’m not sure if he’s lying and he’s too skinny, too shy and just a bit too clingy too, sometimes a bit of tact goes a long way 🙂

me: hahahaha

i know i would just like to say that

it doesnt mean i would lol

Vic: i know, lol

just being your voice of reason 😉

hehehe

4:23 PM ugh

just want to get home

me: unless i was pms and drunk

ha ha

Vic:

4:24 PM hahaha, pms and drunk Holly tells it like it is 😉

4:26 4:49 PM Vic: i think avo toast, wine, mebbe chocolate, painkillers and couch

4:50 PM this is another reason why i need a man with a car

and likes to take charge

noisy man would have given me foot rubs and made a fuss over me, lol

4:54 PM me: haha

ooh a massage and chocolate

Vic: mehs

4:55 PM funny, shy boy is like total opp

4:56 PM makes me realise that there’s always a flipside 😉

will chat later chick x

4:57 PM me: lol

(*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent)

H

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