So what if it hurts me?

April 30, 2010 at 5:08 pm (2010)

I love this song, its so true, playing it safe never got anyone anything or anywhere.  I have been holding off on this post for the last two weeks. I wanted to see where things would go or rather I was hoping they would go the way that I wanted them to. Unfortunately they didnt.

But on the plus side for first time in a long time I really put myself out there, I didnt hold back I was just me. And I met this really great guy. He’s the type of guy I could talk to until 5am and then the sparks just start flying, the chemistry is all over the place and I’ll just want to kiss him. You know that feeling, that fucking wonderful feeling when you meet someone and you just know theres something there, potential for something great.

I didnt play it safe, I never have been a mystery, I just cant be that girl, I cant play games, I dont have the patience for games, I want what I want when I want it. I wont go into the wheres and whys of why it didnt happen because its uneccessary.

I’m just glad that all is not lost and I am not closed off to the world and that I can still feel that feeling, that knowing feeling. Its a great feeling.

I dont want to play it safe anymore when it comes to romantic entanglements, I want more. I want to feel that feeling again.

H

PS Exams are starting – please excuse the lack of posts crappy isiXhosa will now have my full attention for the next week.

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The wax…

April 24, 2010 at 7:43 pm (2010)

After reading Dorothy Blacks post on  “to pube or not to pube” I decided to get rid of the chastity belt, I have been hiding behind my bush for awhile, using it as an excuse not to go anywhere near a man unfortunately that actually doesnt work, so I decided to make her pretty. I feel like I got all spruced up with nowhere to go.  Its sad, its like getting a new dress and not having anywhere to wear it to. But its also like a sexy sneaky secret that nobody knows, like going out without any underwear on and winking at your partner across the table.

I also completely forgot what a painful experience the wax is, my v jay jay was violated by a river of molten lava and it also took me back to my very first waxing experience ahhh the memories still send shivers down my spine to this day. I was in London, I was off to Greece in a couple of days and decided why not, let us try the brazilian, I wish it had been a brazilian man instead of this evil sado masochist ripping my pubes out with her tools of pain, I think you need to be on piles of morphine do deal with this experience the first time round. I litrally went into shock, I was standing in Waitrose afterwards when the sudden urge to throw up or pass out came over me. Thoughts of – “what have I done.” and “why do girls put themselves through this?” went racing through my mind. It does get easier that I can say.

Guys always talk of how they prefer girls with less fur but I would seriously like to take a guy for a back, sack and crack just so they can see how it feels for a change, actually I think it would be quite funny to watch, does that make me a little evil ha ha.

It does feel good though, smooth and sexy, hmmm naughty thoughts, I have to be good though, exams coming up – remind me again why I decided to finish my degree?

H

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My little suitcase of memories…

April 19, 2010 at 8:08 pm (2010)

Every now and again I take down my little suitcase of memories, according to my Father the suitcase once belonged to my Grandfather who I never met but I have always stored memories in this little box of me.

I was going to write this post about a boy who I like who likes mystery woman but instead I decided to write about how lucky I am, a much happier concept dont you think?

I go through this little box and see who I was, growing from the naive bratty teenager that I was to who I am today. The memories of friendships that have come and gone and the memories of people that have touched my life and made me who I am today.  In this box are notes passed from classmates about boys who have ruined our lives, planning weekends full of illegal drinking at age 15 and a certain amount of weed smoking and naughtiness. Planning the next lie we are going to tell our parents so we can go and hang out at the Playground in town or head to the next rave and take whole manner of illegal substances. Damn we were naughty and damn we thought we were invincible. I am very lucky to have done all these things and to have remained the sane person I am today (some people would beg to differ) because I watched as people that I loved became addicted to drugs and I watched as someone that I cared about became so addicted to the stuff that he eventually hung himself, I am so incredibly lucky that I managed to walk away unscathed, unscarred and just plain okay.

In this little box are loads of letters, special letters, letters from friends who I love and who loved me enough to write them to me. In these letters they tell me how much they care and how much they wish for me and they show me how lucky I am that I have the friends that I do.  I am so incredibly lucky because we have walked many a tumultuous path together and they have held my hand throughout, as I have held theirs and today they are still in my life, still caring, still loving and for that I am forever grateful for the gifts of friendship that they have given to me over the years.

In this little box are cards from my Mom, she wrote me countless cards for my exams, always believing and never giving up on the potential that she saw in me. She was the one person who never ever stopped believing in who I am and who I could become.  And in this little box are all the cards I received when she passed away. Some may say this all sounds very sad buts its not, I am so very lucky to have had the Mom I had and I am so very grateful to have been loved by someone as special as she was. I am so incredibly blessed to have had a Mom like her. Yes, its sad when someone you love passes away but all that she taught me is ingrained in who I am, so really she is still with me in everything that I do. We are of course excluding all naughtiness because as she would say, “Hou matigheid voor oe, Holly!” (I hope my Afrikaans isn’t too atrocious)

In my little suitcase of memories I have found that my life thus far has been such an incredible journey and that no matter what life throws at me on the path ahead I will be able to take the blows and still walk tall because I am surrounded by people that hold me up, cheer me up, make me laugh, make me giggle and love me for who I am, no matter what I say or do. For this I am lucky and grateful.

I like to think my little suitcase of memories holds alot of love.

H

PS Goo Goo Dolls – Iris, Bad Egg and I used sing this song after one too many zambucca’s walking down Long Street at the age of 17.

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The Climb

April 15, 2010 at 6:29 pm (2010)

Who knew that I would ever love a song by Miley Cyrus but I really love this song perhaps its just PMS depression setting in. Hormones the bain of my existance, I swear I nearly cried at least 3 times today and everyones voices were  like nails being grated over a chalkboard, me and my earphones were friends.

The lyrics of this song are so pertinent to where I am right now, I have been on such a high the whole week, nothing could get me down. People always tend to tell me that I am such a weirdo because I find happiness in the smallest of things, my answer to that is, if you just sit there and wait for the big happy’s to happen you will never be happy. You have to take pleasure in every good thing that happens whether it be the beauty of a blooming rose or the sun shining on your back or even winning a a cellphone (okay thats a biggy) otherwise you will wilt inside and become so incredibly cynical.

I am going through so many transitions at the moment, so much is changing, I find myself avoiding alot of things but at the same time taking alot of risks, the risks are challenging me, the avoidance is sinking me like quicksand. Life is about choices and its about making the choices that are right for you, that will move you forward instead of making your life hit a stalemate. When it comes to love I have hit a brick wall, I always talk about it like I know so much. I offer friends advice on their relationships like I know everything but I dont, otherwise I would know how to move forward from my own relationship with someone.

I compare everyone I meet to him and no one ever compares to him and I cant seem to move on or forward because I cant get over him. Its like this constant game of what if? It never ended. There was no break up.  There was no conclusion or closure ever. And every time I think I am finally over him, I fall in love with him all over again. Its the epitome of stupidity, you know the answer, you know what you have to do and yet you hold on, to what? Justify that you can love someone and be loved? To justify to yourself that even though you dont have anyone, there is someone?

The advice that I would normally give to the person who came to me with the above predicament is, “fuck sakes, get over it!!”

I want more than what I am allowing myself at the moment, I truly beleive that we hold ourselves back because we are afraid of what we can have or become, we dont realise our own potential, we dont realise how much more we deserve. Life throws us a curveball and instead of throwing it back at the bastard who threw it at us we tend to cower in fear just in case another ball is headed our way, why? What are we afraid of? Our potential for greatness? But isnt that what we want – fulfilment?

Yes, we may fail but isnt that a part of the lesson and yes, sometimes those lessons are hard ones to learn but without them, think about it, who would you be today?

H

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Do good things happen in 3’s too??

April 13, 2010 at 4:01 pm (2010)

Well its hasnt been that crazy, I wish I had some sneaky story to tell but I havent been sneaky nor have I met anyone to be sneaky with, which is probably a good thing.

I am just feeling so incredibly lucky at the moment, due to the unfortunate incident with the British Dude I lost my cellphone and ended up with a new one where the only highlight was the fact that it could also be used as a torch, I then went to Sowing the Seeds this weekend and well what do you know, the very last Nokia 5800 was won by dear old me whoohoo. The funny side of it all was I had just finished smoking the hugest reefer with some mates, so when they called out my name I actually had to listen to them say it 3 times before it registered. I then went down there and was so confused I didnt know where to go.  So I stood like an r-tard on the side of the stage and then got promptly reprimanded by my mate for not going on stage to collect my prize, so bad. Paranoia in large crowds, not a good place to be.

I have been worrying about all the leave I am taking in May for exams – the crap thing being that when I actually do want a holiday I will have fuck all leave.  Then the happy of all happy’s happened, they increased my leave by 6 days today, shew breath, dance a little jig of happiness.

I am feeling the good vibes, I think that when you are positive, good stuff happens. Feeling the happy vibes, feeling the love.  Now I just need to meet the right man for me but as they say when you go looking for it, it will never happen, so I have just stopped looking, enjoying having fun with likeminded naughty people in the mean time.

Bring on the tourists!!!

H

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Ooooh time for a bitching session

April 7, 2010 at 5:16 pm (2010, Guy Skills)

Its official, stupid dickhead that I decided to smooch two weeks ago has decided to turn into the nob of all nobs!!! The crap thing is we share friends, I have to hang out with this guy, I have been nothing but friendly, bordering on sickeningly sweet and he seems to think that because we have now smooched he can treat me like all the other 5000,000 million chicks that he sucks face with every weekend. I dont get it – asshole.

You see I was kind enough to send him an e-mail saying that I didnt think what we did was wise and that we should just be friends and that I hope we can remain friends without any awkwardness because I do actually enjoy hanging out with stupid fuckwit but he decided to get it into his pea brain (and this is why you should never score asshole/jock/bishops/players because they cant compute anything, I refer back to the “me man you woman lets fuck” statement) thats because I am still being the nice, lovely, friendly person that I always am, because I dont let scoring stand in the way of friendship, and he is now ignoring me completely, blatantly – and I have to hang out with the stupid fucker at Sowing the Seeds this weekend – damn I am going to give him a piece of my mind.

Can someone please explain to me what goes through a guys mind when he scores one of his friends, girlfriends friends?? I mean seriously does he honestly think that ignoring someone is the right way to go about things when you want to keep the peace amongst friends. Dumb, player, asshole, freak. Its just so damn stupid why cant people just behave with some form of civility.

I dont feel like being civil anymore fuck him.

H

PS I apologise for the F, C, A and all the other swear words but honestly they are all in the dictionary so Oxford has declared them English.

PPS Thanks to Chris M – I now officially know how to link back and link to people – I am like the anti computer person that gets all excited when they learn a new thing he he

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Furballs coming!!!!

April 7, 2010 at 4:51 pm (Uncategorized)

Yayayayayayayayay, Furball was here just the other month and now he is going to be here for my 30th, I am so frigging happy I could climb a mountain!!! My birthday is going to be ten time better now because my other partner in crime is going to be here.

I love that boy he is one of my best friends in the whole wide world and to think it all started off with a trip to a beer tasting that ultimately turned into years of friendship. And of course certain unmentionable things occurring at another beer type of festival months later ha ha so sneaky… He makes me giggle, I can tell him anything and I feel like everytime we spend time together I am going to learn something new.

This better not be another one of his very clever April Fools that he has played on me for the past two years. Every damn April 1st he cleverly puts together some article about why he cant come to Cape Town or he’s dying of the swine. Hmmmm clever Furball I might have to check my facts before getting too excited.

I also find it strange that I have managed to avoid Furballs story – I dont know why, I suppose you have to keep some things to yourself. Or maybe, just maybe one day I will be able to tell it – not there yet.

H

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Eeek…

April 5, 2010 at 12:28 pm (Uncategorized)

My covers been blown – thanks Vic, I did however meet some very interesting people yesterday, I was like the dumb blonde in a sea of seasoned bloggers and twitterers. I find it a bit awkward having people I hardly know, know my inner most thoughts on the world of men and shagging but like Vic says, you have to come out of the closet sometime. Its all about the networking vomit.

The only thing about coming out of the closet is that now I feel like I need to watch what I say. Words are such powerful things, the tone or the manner in which you say things can be miscontrude if read incorrectly but at the end of the day as Vic says the first rule of blogging is “you should always blog for yourself and nobody else.” Rule 2 is stay away from fellow bloggers ha ha because then you definitely cant write what you want.

My new dilemma – nice boys vs bad boys, what to do? I hate being able to walk all over someone its drives insane. Am I too strong of a person that when it comes down to finally meeting someone who thinks the world of me I just want to run a mile? Nice boys freak me out, they honestly scare me because all I want to do is treat them badly. I’m not a bitch I promise but nice boys are so easy to walk all over. Yes its down to age old bad boys vs good boys issue but really I sometimes just dont understand it when a guy wants to do anything to please you. Why do good guys scare me so much, is it because I am so used to being fucked over that I am not used to it? Right now every fibre of my being is telling me to run as fast as I can, agh I dont know… Good guys always ask the question about why they dont get the girl, the answer is plain and simple – you are unchallenging! That sounds evil and I shouldnt be saying it buts its true. It doesnt mean I am not going to give the nice guys a chance but I need to start keeping my bitch under wraps, I dont want to hurt anyone and I dont want to deny myself the chance of getting to know someone just because they may just be too nice.

Have I been around the block that many times that I dont know how to let anyone in anymore? Its a sad thought but as the say feel the fear and do it anyway – and stop being a nasty bitch to nice boys!!!!

I must be off I am hanging badly and my head is starting to pound – H

PS I was looking for pictures of hot Angels – I found him instead – my favourite bad boy, I wouldnt mind waking up next to him.

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Dumb down no more…

April 1, 2010 at 7:07 pm (Uncategorized)

Turning 30 is starting to make me feel a little sick, argh puke, best years of your life argh puke. I am not feeling it.

I’m not going to go all psycho and have a nervous break down about it but its starting to make me realise how much more I want to do and that I am going off the rails a bit because of it. So much crazy at the moment, too much crazy at the moment, I am starting to feel like I dont know myself. Behaving badly can be so much fun but only to a degree. I’ve turned a little deviant and not in a good way, okay, maybe not sooo bad but I dont want to people to know me as that person, there is so much more beyond all of that. I hope people see beyond that.

What do I want to be known for one day? As average individuals we arent exactly going to go down in history as,” so in so who invented the flying saucer” but I want to have done something that earned someones respect, I want to be respected. I am ultimately a good girl with bad tendencies but I dont want people to think of me as that girl who loves crazy and nothing more. There is so much more to it all and I dont share it all.

Beyond the shagging and getting drunk I actually have a brain and I dont use it often enough. Intelligent conversations are few and far between but why should I dumb myself down to someone else just because they just may be intellectually challenged? The thing is most people dumb themselves down, why do we do it?

As strong independent woman why do we allow men with weak egos to reduce us to their level of intelligence, which sometimes is caveman stupid, “me drink beer, you woman, lets fuck!” Is it because we have such a low level of esteem that we are willing to do anything to get a man to like us?

I find it very easy to be graphic about sex, men and relationships, I have always been far too open about what I think and who I do. And when I find conversations heading toward a stalemate I always bring up men and sex. Guys find it amusing, girls blush and the gays love it. I on the other hand need to find  a new topic of conversation. I do quite enjoy the shock horror of it all, the shock value can be quite fun but seriously there is so much more to discuss in this world other than fuckology.

So I reckon I am going to set myself some new rules:

  1. Try and stop using the word fuck in every sentence
  2. Refuse to dumb myself down for a guy, even if he’s really hot.
  3. The sex conversation has got to go.

This little girl is not playing dumb anymore.

H

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