Around the world in 80 lays ;)

September 15, 2010 at 7:56 pm (2010, Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

I wish that was a true story except it’s actually been 80 days since I got laid, yes, I actually calculated it. It’s that sad, well in my world, that sad. The drought led to a self-imposed mantox, the thought goes like this, “well if I am not interested in fucking anyone right now and there is nobody that I am attracted to enough to fuck, then why fuck for the sake of fucking?” Although if a man had to gently caress any one of my sexy bits I would probably come on the spot, I am one giant hormone ball, PMS included.

So I am trying for 100 days now, that will take us to the 5th of October (yes I calculated it) and if I can make it through Daisies without rampant bunny tent sex then I am may even try six months and if I can get to six months (which by the way I havent done since I was about 18) I may even try for a year. It’s quite a hectic prospect but I am trying out a new theory, “you don’t get touch me until you have mentally stimulated me.” And since I find mental stimulation quite a difficult thing to come by in Slaapstad, I reckon this should be a very interesting year ha ha

In a way I have also just decided that I miss the relationship I had with Bad Shag, yes, he was a Bad Shag but we could talk for hours and there was that emotional connection over the sex, so now its my mission to find both. And if it means giving up the sex for a little while to find it, then why not I am up for trying something new, always 😉

I havent made a decision about whether or not this no sex thing will include touching and kissing and well all the other rad stuff that precedes sex, yet. We shall see I can’t jump the gun, it hasn’t even been a 100 days yet ha ha

If I can give up sex, I must have the will power somewhere in me to give up smoking, shew…

H

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The Slut Factor…

July 14, 2010 at 7:28 pm (Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

I’ve been thinking about my “history” of late and I wont deny I honestly don’t think I can remember them all, does that make me a slut? I lost my virgin status quite young, curiosity got the better of me in so many ways and I have always been incredibly sexual but because I don’t see anything wrong with the odd shag here and there does that make me a bit of a slut?

On the one hand I wholeheartedly believe that as woman we should be able to be sexually liberal pick and choose who we want to “fuck” or “do” without misconceptions or judgment but in South Africa there is still that element of conservative thinking, we will be judged as scarlet lettered woman, we wont be seen as free thinking, free-spirited girls, with probably a higher IQ than the next. Girls will never be seen as perhaps someone who enjoys fucking for the sake of fucking but rather as slutty little whores or desperate.

I have found in my textbook of shag buddys that the fact that I am extremely liberated, love shagging with the lights on and don’t mind telling them what to do (because sometimes they are just doing it bloody wrong) is incredibly threatening to their manhood.  Being sexually strong and with a brain cell or two is actually threatening to some males and their insecurities start shining through. They don’t need to prove anything to me but because I have a number to look back to and measure against, they feel they need to. Its boring, guys that over try bore me to tears. I could always start writing about fucking vs nice and slow but I suppose that would take me off the topic at hand.

There is the other side of the coin to being liberal (yes, lets euphamise slut), all the dirty little things that can happen when you like a shag or two but I like to think I am educated enough to know how to use a condom and to take responsibility for my actions, miss gynae and mr condom go hand in hand.

So what actually makes a girl a slut, is there a certain number of guys she must have shagged in order to get that status, are we not free thinking enough to see the other side and that what men can do woman can sometimes do better. Can we not just be seen as human with sexual thoughts and feelings instead what society expects us to be. I don’t want to sit at home on a Saturday night and watch romcoms waiting for the romance and sexual chemistry to happen, I want to make it happen.

As Dorothy so poignantly put it “I’d rather be a happy slut than a miserable prude.”

H

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The Liberation of the Pornographic Film

May 26, 2010 at 5:59 pm (Just a few thoughts, Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

Perhaps I am just one of those liberated woman but to be quite honest I see nothing wrong with the adult film. I just finished watching Oprah, she had Jenna Jameson on, one of the industries more popular female leads and they were discussing how the adult film has become more common place in the bedroom.

Porn is everywhere these days, Samantha in Sex in the City made sex, dildos and multiple partners a popular subject amongst woman, and all of a sudden it was okay to discuss your boys and toys with your friends. The art of the sexual experience is no longer taboo, playing with yourself is healthy and normal and now porn is becoming okay too. Females are no longer turned off by what was once considered vile and dirty and only what boys did, it is now something that you can do with or without your partner. It is seen as something that can potentially enhance your sexual experience and maybe even teach you few more tricks.

I am not going to romanticize porn it is what is, bad actors, bad plots lines and all you really are waiting for is the climax (bad pun?) and don’t get me wrong there are certain aspects of the porn industry that I don’t agree with such as blatantly violent films and the non use of condoms. Condoms I suppose take away from what is happening in the scene but with all of the technology these days is there no way they can edit it out or just stop the take and just quickly put one on. And what is it teaching teenage boys that are enjoying themselves to these films, just a thought. There is of course the psychological impact of porn amongst teenage boys viewing and excessive use by men in general. As stated in this article in Time Magazine it can pervert a man’s image of how to treat a woman in day to day life and affect their relationships but once again we are going to the extreme. Porn tickles the curiosity of most but as with all things that are bad for you, everything in moderation, too much of a good thing is never good. Dependent on the person viewing it, I don’t see the harm, it can be fun you just can’t let the fun be what you classify as normal in day to day life.

A lot of my friends will disagree with what I think, there is still a conservative aspect amongst woman, and how we were brought up stops the liberation of sexuality amongst the woman in my generation.

Maybe I should have been born in the 60’s or I am just too liberal for certain parts of conservative South Africa but I see nothing wrong with exploring ones sexuality in whatever form it may come. No harm, no foul.

H

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Do Not Disturb!!

January 5, 2010 at 7:12 pm (2009, 2010, Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

Happy New Year!! I cant believe that its already 2010, shew 2009 went quickly, is that an old age thing?? I left for Kenton on Sea on the 27th Dec and had a week of pure heaven, waking up only to roll into the ocean for my morning swim and only leaving the couch when a drinking session was in order. It is truly one of the most beautiful places that I have ever been.

Some craziness was of course in order with tour de Kenton being the start off, an afternoon of cycling and down downs, drunken mayhem with cyclists rolling into the ocean. I was of course in the back of the bakkie with my shooter girls, damn those okes were dronken.  Lets just say the week was mad, relaxing and beautiful. I really didnt want to come home, I really didnt want to go back to work today with a beautiful Slaapstad day looming, 31 degrees later and 8hrs wasted. New Years resolution: FIND A NEW JOB!!

So ummm some craziness did go down, I hate it when I am put in a situation where I dont know what to do.  I went up to Kenton with my eye’s open, I know my mate Slug has always liked me but unfortunately I just dont feel the same. He’s not a bad guy, I just dont see him like that. Tour de Kenton is where it all started really, drunkeness followed by passing out next to him, he tried his luck, I didnt know what to do, I pretended to sleepily swat his hand away but he kept on trying. What is it with guys, because this has happened before, that makes them think that if a girl goes to sleep next to them that they have the licence to feel her up?? I mean seriously having some guys hard cock ramming my jean pant is just not fucking sexy. I eventually just got angry and told him to fuck off and went to bed. I was drunk it doesnt mean I want to shag you, if I had wanted to shag you I would have ripped your clothes off when we got into bed. Another drunken night, the same thing happened, you would have thought I would have learnt the first time, or rather he would have learnt the first time but to no avail, I had ye olde hard cock ramming my jean pant again. Seriously, no fucking seriously, I was not impressed. This has happened before – situations where I’m too drunk to drive home so I sleep over, hand trying to “gefoefel” the v-jay-jay, not cool. Other situations where its a good friend and you are just napping over and the hand starts trying to touch the boobies, not kosher my friend not kosher.

I just dont get it? What makes guys think that they can do that? I have showed no interest whatsoever, I havent even sucked face with you, I am about to pass out into my comotose drunken slumber and now you want to play? Lank romantic.

Anyhoo, he eventually got over it, I think my telling him when he was sober that his behaviour deserved a good ballatijie kicking, made him see sense – finally!!

So its 2010, my new favourite saying for 2010 is “check that Betty!!”, but you have to say it with a proper jo’burg coogirl accent!! Hilarious! The last night we were there, we were on the cane train, tequila being poured down our throats it was crazy. Lyn was off her trolley and then the famous saying came out “check that BETTY!!” There was this poor girl who was clearly high on something holding onto a pole and lifting up her skirt and showing off her v-jay-jay Paris Hilton style. It makes me scared to have children one day.

It was a hilarious week, funny and fucked up and just incredibly awesome all round. Totally nearly had an “ugly cry” when I left (another holiday joke, I guess you had to be there).

So 2010, its going to to be mad, my song of summer attached.

H 😉

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Erogenous Zones: Not Always Where You’d Think

November 8, 2009 at 5:36 pm (Fun and Games, Kisses, Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

erogenous-zones

Lying in bed this morning, I was doing one of my favourite things – making my man get goosebumps on his chest. Strangely enough, I didn’t have to go below the belt to do this… there are just certain things and certain places that I know exactly how to deal with to get goosebumps. This got me thinking how many erogenous or sensitive zones there are and how easy it is to give or get a shiver without going for the main areas…

  • The neck; whether it is the back of his neck where his hair curls into a little ducktail, or the sides or that little hollow above the collar bone
  • Just below the breasts; the top of my tummy just underneath the boobs is super sensitive
  • His chest; running nails down the center is an instant shiver and goosebump trick
  • Hands and wrists; amazing how sexy hands can be sometimes…
  • The hollow of the back; ticklish almost beyond comfort, this area is quite amazing
  • The corner of his lips; kissing him just on the corner of his mouth drives him insane!
  • The feet; a foot rub can be both soothing and sexy, depending on the mood and intentions

At the end of the day, a good shag can be just that – straight up wham bam, or it can be more of an experience. Sometimes you can even drive each crazy and never progress beyond a kiss. Sensuality is where it’s at, and while that doesn’t mean that wham bam doesn’t have its place, there is definitely something to be said for slow seduction, hehe.

~ Vic

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Sexual Healing?

October 15, 2009 at 6:41 pm (2009, Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

It’s funny. When you’re single and you don’t get laid in a while, it sucks – but never quite as much as it sucks when you’re in a relationship and you aren’t getting any. Sex when things aren’t going well isn’t always great, but at the same time it helps you connect… and helps sooth things somehow. Getting lost in the closeness, tears forgotten, arguments dissolved.

And sex after making up? Well, that is something in a league of its own. 🙂

So sexual healing… that’s what I am in need of right now.

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Best and Worst Places to Get it On

September 13, 2009 at 10:35 am (Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

sex positions

We’ve all tried some rather strange places to get jiggy with it – especially as sex-crazy teenagers when we were forced to get creative if we wanted to get any action at all. Some places were better than others, while there were a few places that didn’t quite work out as well as the movies led you to believe. Trial and error is the name of this game, which is how I came to discover the best and worst places for a shag…

The Worst:

* Beaches – sand, sand, and more sand. And cigarette butts, and then more sand. I only tried this once, and we didn’t even manage to finish… it was that awkward.

* The Shower – it seemed like such a good idea, and was great for fooling around. But trying to finish the act while you keep your balance, avoid water jetting in your face, try not to slip on the soap and not to mention kill the condom? Not so hot.

* The Kitchen – this would have been more fun if the floor hadn’t been hard, cold tiles. As it happened we had to stay on the floor in case anyone passed by the window. My butt was numb for hours afterwards.

* Cars – I don’t care if it’s a classic old skool location remiscant of 50’s movies and rebellious teenagers – it is just awkward and not enough room to enjoy it properly. Plus there is the added fun of where to park. Still, it does have that wild and spontaneous vibe I guess.

The Best:

* Bed – call me boring and old fashioned, but there’s a reason most action happens in the bedroom. Comfortable, spacious, bouncy… it has everything you need, and if you need to change things up he can always pick you up and slam you against the built-in cupboards.

* The Couch – next best thing to the bed, lots of different angling opportunties and the added benefit of being nice and comfortable. No carpet burn and rather cosy, can also be a bonus if you happen to be watching naughty movies together and couldn’t make it to the bedroom.

* Chair – all the right angles, total control for the lady, and the added perk of being able to tie him to the chair legs, chairs can be loads of fun. Helps to have a cushion though!

* Outside – this has to be done very carefully though – at night, somewhere secluded and preferably with a blanket. There is something romantic about literally seeing stars as you hit the big Oh… just make sure you remember the blanket!

What are your favourite and least memorable locations?

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The Irish…

August 23, 2009 at 5:38 pm (Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

irish3

It was my sister’s birthday party last night and you must understand that the Vegas family holds a damn good shindig, so as you can guess, we were all horribly pissed and dancing until the wee hours of the morn. It was a dress up party so I went as a white trash, baby under one arm and a pregger “balloon” belly, people were calling me Britney by the end of the evening it was hilarious. I did meet an incredibly boring guy though; the only thing that held my attention was his Irish accent. I love the Irish, I love the Irish accent, it makes me weak in the knees, they can be the ugliest Irishman on the planet but as soon as I hear that Irish twang it makes me want to drop my undies and say “talk to me big boy”!

This however does lead me onto the story of the Irish, all five months of its complete and utter insanity.  I had just broken up with Bad Shag and the sexual side of my personality had taken a big dent, spending 3 years begging for sex can make a girl feel terribly unsexy. I was out at the local Novello’s in Parsons Green for our weekly Elvis show when I met Irish, there was just something so incredibly sexy about him, this bad boy, this damn sexy bad boy that took me into a corner and kissed me until my lips were numb. It started off innocent enough but then I went home with him after a few weeks and that’s when things got heated. We would argue and argue and then fall into bed, we would send dirty texts, in one month I sent over 5oo texts. He would stand me in front of the mirror naked and tell me how sexy I was and then take me to bed. It was this insane passionate addiction. I would walk away bruised but content from the violently, passionate sex. I felt like me again, Holly was back, the sexual being that I have always been had returned. But the relationship was incredibly unhealthy; I wanted what he couldn’t give me, a relationship. All the dirty talk in the world didn’t make up for these strong feelings that I was having and I started becoming obsessed with him. One day I eventually cracked and we argued until there was nothing left to say. He actually ended it and I knew I had to walk away before it became ugly, the difference between a sane person and a stalker, is that the sane person knows when to walk away.

I was upset, I wanted to call him, I wanted him so badly, and I had to delete his number off my phone to maintain my own sanity.  I went to watch the London marathon, I called Fur Ball, Fur Ball had been trying to get me into bed for months, and he still jokes about how I denied him a blowjob on his birthday. I needed something, someone to take away the horrible feelings I was having, so I eventually I just said to Fur Ball “aren’t you going to ask me to have sex with you?” he said he had given up but we went back to his place anyway and I still maintain to this day that it was the best rebound shag that I have ever had. A rebound that lasted 9 months, the best rebound ever.

😉

Holly

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Ooooh are we on firsts again…

August 20, 2009 at 5:30 pm (2009, Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

cherry

So Vic and I hit the town on Saturday night all dolled up and rearing to go. I kissed a 23yr old I told him my breasts were fake, he didnt beleive me, I said I had a great surgeon, I love causing shit when its so frigging easy. And no, I dont have fake boobs. One things for sure though these little people are sure easy to please. I dont remember being that eager when I was 23.  He said he wanted to come home with me, I told him to go to Tiger Tiger.

Okay First Time Story:

Firsts are tricky and I wish it had been special dont get me wrong but if I had waited I would have been 24.  I needed the practice in the mean time I reckon. Nah, I do wish I had waited. I was quite young, age is not relevant.  We were in Hermanus for Easter weekend, back in the day when Hermanus wasnt overidden by Vaalies and all built up. When drinking on Voelklip beach was still cool and heading out to party at (dammit I cant remember the name of that place) the other cool beach hmmmm, I hate it when I cant remember things, was it Barnies, Glen Beach YAY. We had been drinking all day Vodka orange, Vodka Fanta, Vodka straight. My brother and both of our friends headed out to Lovers Cove and drank some more, he hooked up with some locals and were just chilling on the beach. I ended up “having something” with this guy, we seperated from the crew, all that touchy feely stuff was going down. He asked me if I wanted to have sex, I said I wasnt sure and then it just kind of ended up happening. I wont say it hurt, the alcohol numbed that. I wont say that having sex on the beach for the first time was spectacular. Who wants sand up their crack??

But ja, that was it, it was over, the big whooohoo I am no longer a virgin was gone, it didnt change who I was, it didnt change who I am. Sex is just something thats there, or rather the way I see it, a right of passage.  The guy I lost my virginity to died a few years later in a car accident. I wont say that I was heartbroken, he was just that guy, a stupid one night stand that changed my Virgin status (Or as Vic would say “popped my cherry”).

News: I am thinking of trying speed dating with my alcoholic housemate. Is there less chance of meeting a psycho that way??

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First but not best

August 19, 2009 at 7:25 pm (Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

kneesNot even close!

Your first time is meant to be romantic. It’s also meant to be special, a precious gift {insert suitable parental warning about sex before marriage here} and amazing. Yes, we know it would be painful – and luckily our friends who ventured forth before us into the land of the popped cherry gave us some idea of how it really was (I believe ‘watermelons’ and ‘keyholes’ were the terms used most often). Still, most of us somehow still hoped it would be at least something to squeal about at school the next day when we walked stiffly around with bruises on our thighs.

My first time was not special, or romantic. It was painful, but it was also kind of awkward and to add to the wtf’ness of the moment, it was also my first proper introduction to the one night stand. The boy in question was a blonde surfer type, far too good looking for his own good, and extremely arrogant and rude. Even then boys like that could make me swoon with just a hint of a naughty smile – give me attention and kisses and I was like a moth to a flame! By the time things had heated up under the blankets in a friend’s bedroom, I barely had time to think before something very big (and as you could guess, pretty damn hard too!) had made its way into me and in a few agonising thrusts it was over. The walk of shame afterwards too far longer however, especially as it turned out that the room hadn’t been totally empty as I had thought. Oops.

With a massive hickey on my neck, and the completly mistaken thought that the blonde asshole would treat me at least half-way decent after taking my virginity, our little gang set off for a high school social – promptly getting barred from entering, possibly due to the fact that we’d been drinking most of the day, and looked like hell. Walking around the streets of Kenilworth, with the boy barely even pretending to care anymore, I learned my first valuable lesson about boys: they generally really couldn’t give a shit. Hard as that is to swallow, it’s a cold hard truth… boys are assholes, 99% of the time.

A decade and a half or so down the line, and things have gotten much better. I’ve realised that there are guys out there who aren’t assholes, and obviously sex has gotten better. As they got older, guys got better at it – even if most of them still have the same retarded attitude that they don’t have to have manners or bother being nice.

Funny thing is, if I had waited just a month I would have shared that first encounter with someone very special. And it would have been a whole different story… one that has the whole ‘love’ thing in it. But in a way I’m glad I got it out of the way, cos after that first time it was smooth sailing!

What was your first time like, and do you wish you had done things differently?

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