Furballs coming!!!!

April 7, 2010 at 4:51 pm (Uncategorized)

Yayayayayayayayay, Furball was here just the other month and now he is going to be here for my 30th, I am so frigging happy I could climb a mountain!!! My birthday is going to be ten time better now because my other partner in crime is going to be here.

I love that boy he is one of my best friends in the whole wide world and to think it all started off with a trip to a beer tasting that ultimately turned into years of friendship. And of course certain unmentionable things occurring at another beer type of festival months later ha ha so sneaky… He makes me giggle, I can tell him anything and I feel like everytime we spend time together I am going to learn something new.

This better not be another one of his very clever April Fools that he has played on me for the past two years. Every damn April 1st he cleverly puts together some article about why he cant come to Cape Town or he’s dying of the swine. Hmmmm clever Furball I might have to check my facts before getting too excited.

I also find it strange that I have managed to avoid Furballs story – I dont know why, I suppose you have to keep some things to yourself. Or maybe, just maybe one day I will be able to tell it – not there yet.

H

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Eeek…

April 5, 2010 at 12:28 pm (Uncategorized)

My covers been blown – thanks Vic, I did however meet some very interesting people yesterday, I was like the dumb blonde in a sea of seasoned bloggers and twitterers. I find it a bit awkward having people I hardly know, know my inner most thoughts on the world of men and shagging but like Vic says, you have to come out of the closet sometime. Its all about the networking vomit.

The only thing about coming out of the closet is that now I feel like I need to watch what I say. Words are such powerful things, the tone or the manner in which you say things can be miscontrude if read incorrectly but at the end of the day as Vic says the first rule of blogging is “you should always blog for yourself and nobody else.” Rule 2 is stay away from fellow bloggers ha ha because then you definitely cant write what you want.

My new dilemma – nice boys vs bad boys, what to do? I hate being able to walk all over someone its drives insane. Am I too strong of a person that when it comes down to finally meeting someone who thinks the world of me I just want to run a mile? Nice boys freak me out, they honestly scare me because all I want to do is treat them badly. I’m not a bitch I promise but nice boys are so easy to walk all over. Yes its down to age old bad boys vs good boys issue but really I sometimes just dont understand it when a guy wants to do anything to please you. Why do good guys scare me so much, is it because I am so used to being fucked over that I am not used to it? Right now every fibre of my being is telling me to run as fast as I can, agh I dont know… Good guys always ask the question about why they dont get the girl, the answer is plain and simple – you are unchallenging! That sounds evil and I shouldnt be saying it buts its true. It doesnt mean I am not going to give the nice guys a chance but I need to start keeping my bitch under wraps, I dont want to hurt anyone and I dont want to deny myself the chance of getting to know someone just because they may just be too nice.

Have I been around the block that many times that I dont know how to let anyone in anymore? Its a sad thought but as the say feel the fear and do it anyway – and stop being a nasty bitch to nice boys!!!!

I must be off I am hanging badly and my head is starting to pound – H

PS I was looking for pictures of hot Angels – I found him instead – my favourite bad boy, I wouldnt mind waking up next to him.

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Dumb down no more…

April 1, 2010 at 7:07 pm (Uncategorized)

Turning 30 is starting to make me feel a little sick, argh puke, best years of your life argh puke. I am not feeling it.

I’m not going to go all psycho and have a nervous break down about it but its starting to make me realise how much more I want to do and that I am going off the rails a bit because of it. So much crazy at the moment, too much crazy at the moment, I am starting to feel like I dont know myself. Behaving badly can be so much fun but only to a degree. I’ve turned a little deviant and not in a good way, okay, maybe not sooo bad but I dont want to people to know me as that person, there is so much more beyond all of that. I hope people see beyond that.

What do I want to be known for one day? As average individuals we arent exactly going to go down in history as,” so in so who invented the flying saucer” but I want to have done something that earned someones respect, I want to be respected. I am ultimately a good girl with bad tendencies but I dont want people to think of me as that girl who loves crazy and nothing more. There is so much more to it all and I dont share it all.

Beyond the shagging and getting drunk I actually have a brain and I dont use it often enough. Intelligent conversations are few and far between but why should I dumb myself down to someone else just because they just may be intellectually challenged? The thing is most people dumb themselves down, why do we do it?

As strong independent woman why do we allow men with weak egos to reduce us to their level of intelligence, which sometimes is caveman stupid, “me drink beer, you woman, lets fuck!” Is it because we have such a low level of esteem that we are willing to do anything to get a man to like us?

I find it very easy to be graphic about sex, men and relationships, I have always been far too open about what I think and who I do. And when I find conversations heading toward a stalemate I always bring up men and sex. Guys find it amusing, girls blush and the gays love it. I on the other hand need to find  a new topic of conversation. I do quite enjoy the shock horror of it all, the shock value can be quite fun but seriously there is so much more to discuss in this world other than fuckology.

So I reckon I am going to set myself some new rules:

  1. Try and stop using the word fuck in every sentence
  2. Refuse to dumb myself down for a guy, even if he’s really hot.
  3. The sex conversation has got to go.

This little girl is not playing dumb anymore.

H

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Feeling Crazy?

March 28, 2010 at 2:14 pm (Uncategorized)

I know its been awhile since I’ve written but due to being internetless at my new pad I have had to cut down on my posts – maybe it will make things a little more interesting who knows?

So sexual frustration started kicking in about 6 weeks into my “deny the penis” escapade, eek that didnt last long did it. However I dont think denying the penis is necessarily the right way to go about things, who am I kidding, I am one giant hormone, I cant deny the penis ever…

I went out on Friday on a mission, get drunk and get laid, I had alot of steam to blow off, work has been manic, studying after work has been manic and to top it all off exercising has been crazy, I am a zombie by the time the week comes to an end. I suppose the good news is my giant boobs are starting to shrink – always a bonus. Some people have alternative ways of blowing off steam, taking drugs, going for a hike or playing sport. Me, I just want to get drunk and get laid – I should have been born with a penis. I met some interesting boys on Friday:

  1. Boy 1 wanted me to kiss him even though he had a girlfriend, I politely declined and told him to call me when he no longer has a girlfriend, he told me to give him 2 and a half weeks. I will beleive it when I see it.
  2. Boy 2 wanted me to have a threesome with him and his girlfriend, I politely declined and said I dont do vagina, he then said he would have to speak to his other friend and proceeded to ask if I have any fetishes, I told him porn! He then asked what kind of porn? I said all porn and then I promptly got bored and left the conversation.
  3. Boy 3, a dutch dude, no not a boere an actual dutch dude! Okay I kissed him, it got kind of insane and then I realised I was far to fucked to be in the situation so I promptly started ignoring him and went and had another drink – water.
  4. Boy 4, we have met boy 4 before but I am not naming names for my own sanity – everyone started leaving, we chilled at the bar, the place started closing, I was still drinking my water trying to sobre up then we started kissing then clothes started flying everywhere and then, well, I finally met a man who knows what he’s doing, its been awhile but I threw caution to the wind and fuck it was awesome just to not give a shit about anything for that brief moment in time.  It was crazy but good crazy, I miss crazy, not alot of people have met my crazy. Damn I love crazy.

Awesome weekend, I actually like boy 1 we spoke for hours about life in general and what we would do if anything, we both said travel. I told him why I sometimes really hate living in Cape Town, I always have to worry about what others think. He told me to stop worrying and just do what I want. So I did and it feels good and I am trying not to worry about what anyone else but me thinks and me thinks it was a fucking rad weekend!!!

H

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Home Run

March 14, 2010 at 3:59 pm (Uncategorized)

The week started off really badly I had my V jay jay violated by the lady doctor on Monday, apparently I have an extra long cervix, good for carrying babies however not so good because they have to open you extra wide. I tried to go to my happy place, imagining Vin Diesel was violating me but when the words “Stop tensing Holly otherwise I will have to crank this thing wider” were used I couldnt be happy all I could think was, no man with an extra large penis is ever going anywhere near my vagina, ever!!!

I also decided to do all of the dreaded tests, not because I havent been careful but because it is necessary in this day and age. HIV and all the weird fanny diseases anyone could ever catch from a dirty penis. All I have to say was the wait was enough to put me off sex for life, when I am scared shitless I retreat into myself, everyone was oooh your handling this well, I was gagging so nauseous I thought I was dying. Finally the lady doctor called me on Thursday with best news I have ever received in my entire life, I promptly burst into tears, the fear of the unkown the fear that you are dying even though you know there is no chance that you could be dying, you still think you just might be dying from that one time at band camp that you werent careful enough. Everything looked brighter, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting and for the first time in a long time I felt truly alive.

Nothing like a good ole HIV test to put things into perspective. I was watching Men in Trees last night after going to watch a mates show, the main character (Anne Heche) turns to this asshole who is telling her he’s confused just after he’s told her he’s in love with her and she says to him basically “screw you, I am better than this, I deserve better, I am intelligent and I am beautiful and there are other guys out there that would give their right arm to be with me, I am a home run, I AM A HOME RUN!!!” And thats how I feel right now – I am a home run, I am intelligent and I am beautiful and I deserve better.

I still beleive in love and I will never ever settle for anything less!!!

And now that I know that I am not dying and I can have 500 babies if I want to I feel well and truly ready to face the love factor that has scared me for so long!

Bring it!!

H

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The List

March 7, 2010 at 10:16 am (Uncategorized)

Fuck this song makes me laugh!!! Catering to my dirty sense of humour!!

Muis and I were sitting around with a bottle of vino Friday night, Mr Spliff in one hand and discussing the past, virginity and The List were the main topics of conversation. The laggies started kicking in and the pen and paper came out, lets write down every single oke we have shagged bwahahahahaha. I have to admit it was quite difficult to remember them all, some were just that insignificant to my existance and not worth remembering. Good or bad it was an interesting read. Where it all started and where I am now. I started my teenagehood a complete bitch I broke a few hearts and destroyed a few ego’s and then I had my heart broken, well wake up call no.1. Then I didnt want to know, I kept them at a distance and used and abused them nobody could come close to me.

Then I met the boere, broken heart no.2, and I allowed myself to open up again, then he cheated on me and fucked me over and caused a few stitches (car accident) and well you just realise  how little someone cares about you when they are more upset about the car they just wrote off than about the fact that you have stitches all over and can barely walk. So I reverted back to using and abusing them and not letting anyone near my heart. I went through my long blonde hair, surfer types faze. Had two awesome shag buddys and made some awesome guy friends. And then I met Bad Shag.

We revert back to Bad Shag because now we are not looking at the good, we are looking at the ugly. As stated in my previous post we waited quite awhile before we shagged for the first time. I thought that when I told him at 4 months that I loved him the relationship would move forward but it didnt, he said he wasnt ready. I was patient because I loved him, I thought well theres other stuff to do thats just as fun but then the begging started. In the honeymoon faze of the relationship he was keen and ready to fool around but then it all changed. We would hang out and I would want to get down and dirty and he was never in the mood. I used all my mood tactics – the wake up blowjob, the driving blowjob, hand down pants under table, dressing up, dressing down, nothing fucking worked. A year and a half down the line we were getting ready to leave for London, he left 4 months before me and I stated that there was no chance in hell that he was leaving the country before we had shagged for the first time. Dirty weekend away, it was okay, I wont say that it was awkward, I wont say that it was spectacular either, it was just so incredibly random. We moved in together and I had to force the issue every single time, we argued over action for crying in a bucket, seriously, this is a guy, guys are one giant hormone. It got to a point where I started feeling undesirable, you start questioning yourself, start thinking theres something wrong with you. The only reason I kept on going was because everything else was awesome and I really loved him.

The Breakup – we started discussing the future, 3yrs down the line, marriage, babies blah blah… He said he didnt know if he wanted kids or if he wanted to get married, that was the straw that broke the camels back. I had been with this guy for 3yrs through thick and thin and he didnt know what he wanted. One night after another begging session I just sat up and asked the question for the 500th time -“What do you want?” he once again said he didnt know. I turned around my heart breaking and said “Well, then this isnt going to work!, I cant be with someone who doesnt know what they want because those are things that I want.” I cried, he cried, I had my first cigarette in two months. It was over and for about a month I was devastated. (He got married to the girl that I always hated 2 1/2 years later, girls always listen to your intuition)

Then I met the Irish – that dirty little devil, fuck he made me feel sexy but you already know that story.

3 broken hearts and many a tale to tell – thats just the half of it.

Till next time,

H

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Bad Shag aka Monkey

March 2, 2010 at 9:08 pm (Uncategorized)

I think I have been giving Bad Shag some very bad press and I am starting to feel quite guilty about it. Maybe I should start with giving him a different name – just for this post of course.  He was my Monkey and I loved him.

We met and we fell in love, it was quite quick actually, we would talk for hours and hours online and on the phone, he would drive all from Somerset West every weekend just to spend time with me before I got over my fear of highways. He was my smartie (the sweets) man, he was my lollipop boy and he had the biggest blue eyes and gave the best hugs in the world. We would lie together and read for hours, we would go on road trips and hardly say a word and just listen to all the music that we loved.

We would party together, get drunk together and he would hold me till I fell asleep without complaining. We waited, we waited quite awhile before we slept together, I had made it clear from the beginning that I didnt want to sleep with him until I knew I loved him, 4 months later we were at a rock concert and I told him, I felt like my heart was going to burst, here was this man that I would do anything for and that would do anything for me.

When my Mom died he was there, he held me while I cried until I couldnt cry anymore, he held me when I couldnt hold myself up, he held me when I fought against him and he held me when I couldnt take it anymore, he held me when I drank myself into an emotional stupor after my Mom died and he still held me when we finally decided it wasnt working anymore. For that particular moment in time he was my strength so that I could be strong for my family.

If it wasnt for him, I would never have gone to London, I would never have met all the wonderful people that are still in life and I would never have fallen so hard on my butt and gained the strength that I have today.

He was my first real love, a special memory, a very special person.

He was my Monkey and I loved him.

H

PS Peter Cetera – Glory of Love, one of our songs, very cheeseball I know 😉 (after a particularly nail biting session of Karate Kid ha ha)

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The shag buddy & the commitment phobe

February 27, 2010 at 10:29 am (Uncategorized)

Vic made a statement this morning with regards to always going for the unavailable male “when you are afraid of commitment you always tend to go for guys that are unavailable!” True or false? I finally told the Guru that I have feelings for him, not because I want him to fall down on his knees and confess his everlasting love but because it means that the shag buddy situation that we have been in for the last year and half has got to end. With regards to the shag buddy scenario there is such a fine line, whoever said that females cant have unemotional sex lied however if the sex continues for period of time feelings develop as has happened with the Guru, its unfortunate but true. He’s a great guy dont get me wrong but I cant continue being this toy that is played with, he’s never been nasty and has always been upfront about everything I cant fault him but I want the more that he cant give.

This is where Vic’s statement becomes relevant, I have been looking at my “dating history” since bad shag:

  1. The Irish – complete bad boy, workaholic who brought sexy back to Holly Land
  2. The Stoner – very stupid so therefore no potential whatsoever great weed though
  3. Furball – naughty boy, the boy I fell in love with but I was also leaving London so therefore commitment was never on the cards. But one thing I will stay he is everything that I look for in a potential partner, clever, naughty, great sex and he makes me giggle like a school girl – but once again no commitment. (It took me longer to get over that 9 month relationship than it took me to get over my 3 year relationship with Bad Shag)
  4. Furballs Friend – Successful but never around long enough for anything to venture further currently on another continent.
  5. The Guru – The guru and I have known each other for a long time, not well though, he was madly into my ex housemate but I have alot of respect for him, I respect what he’s done with his life and he friggin reads and he tells it like it is and he’s not stupid, I can actually have an intelligent conversation with him but once again all he was was a shag buddy nothing more. A means to an end, unfortunate but true. The unavailable therefore no commitment.
  6. Skinny boy – Leonardo Di Caprio hot but only ever calls when hammered and tends to go for Camps Bay types and far too complicated and seriously lacking in the intelligent conversation department.

I feel like I am finally ready to venture into the lala land of relationships but looking back all signs point to the the fact that I may just be commitment phobic. Who knew? I am sick of being used and abused by the males species yet when a nice one comes along, one with potential and who is lovely and sweet I tend to run as fast as my little legs can carry me. I am also starting to realise that because I have/had a shag buddy it stops me from allowing other guys in. There are guys out there that want me, that want to know me but I am the one thats stopping it from happening. I think I have been lying to myself for a very long time and the lightbulb is only going off now.

What am I afraid of? Being hurt? Rejected (I’ve had plenty of that)? I think I set myself up to be rejected so that I dont have to get hurt, make sense?

Lightbulb moment fuck! What now?

H

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Snuggles and Cuddles – the relationship effect

February 22, 2010 at 7:25 pm (Uncategorized)

“Now I’ll relate this little bit
That happens more than I’d like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score.” – Offspring Self Esteem

I got a call from a mate yesterday, he was hammered but the question was, “Do you want to come over and watch the 8 ‘0 clock movie?” Hmmm I know this story, I have to admit, I know the deal all too well. He’s drunk and looking to score, we have kissed drunkenly before and now he’s made it his mission to get me naked. I on the other hand am not that interested, there was a bit of awkwardness after the last kissing session and I have made it my mission to get the relationship back to friendship level.

Okay I went over there, some may say it was a stupid move, he tried so very hard and I managed to keep him at a distance initially but then I couldnt help but fall into the snuggles and cuddles. I havent had snuggles and cuddles in ages and well he kisses like a champion. Nothing else happened but there is nothing better than a good old fashioned make out session and then just laying there with your head on someones chest listening to their heart beat with their arms wrapped around you.

I miss snuggles and cuddles and really its something that you only really tend to get when you are in a relationship, that closeness, having someone gently caress your skin. It was such a great feeling, I woke up this morning with the birds tweeting and the endorphins pumping though my veins and it almost felt like I had, had an awesome shag  the night before.

It almost makes me wish I was in a relationship again, damn I miss that closeness of having someone know you, really know you. Someone that you can share anything with and that laughs at your sulky face. Someone to have quiet time with, someone that reads – doesnt anyone read anymore?? Someone that frustrates you and makes you crazy but then in the same breath draws you into their arms and makes it all okay.

Whats wrong with me, you would swear that I’ve actually had sex, maybe its the exercise endorphins – evil, crazy, bastard trainer is making me go up a kilo in weights every week, I cant lift my arms.

So to let myself love again, its a difficult one but not impossible.

H

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A few thoughts

February 16, 2010 at 8:31 pm (Uncategorized)

So apparently I am really crap at this whole blogger thing – I don’t know how to link people (is that what its called??). Sometimes my pictures don’t work, Youtube always works, love Youtube. I really wish they had spell check on here, like Microsoft word spell check type thing that corrects your shitty grammar as you go along and on a sadder note my blogger friend Vic who actually knows how this shit works has resigned – sniff. She would make it pretty for me why Vic WHYYYYYYY (ugly cry).

Nympho dyslexic sent me an sms the other day which of course led to the conversation between Vic and myself about “why is it, that the ones we really cant stand run after us like little lost sheep and the ones we do want play the game or just couldn’t really give a shit??!!” Some might say its the bad boy thing, I have to admit and I know Vic will agree, bad boys are tasty, they are a challenge and whoooweee do I love a challenge, the sex is almost always better and they kiss like champions.  You get to try new things with bad boys and well good boys they tend to be all about what you want, I want to fight to get my own way not just have it handed to me on a silver platter. I LOVE GETTING MY OWN WAY. As Furball so kindly pointed out on Sunday to Vic, “she’s a me, me, me girl in the bedroom”, I tend to disagree, I just believe that I should get what I want first and then you can have your fun hee hee, terrible I know, what happened to learning about sharing in pre school, I think I skipped that chapter. So I’m going off topic here, why is it that the boys you want to call you don’t and the ones you don’t want to call you do?? I seriously don’t see any potential in Nympho dyslexic other than the potential for a restraining order, so why, I ask with tears in my eyes, does he still text me after I have so kindly told him to fuck off?? Are some men just that desperate?? Has his penis inverted itself and grown a vagina? I expect the desperate bullshit from girls, well because we are girls, we have issues and multiple personalities but not some dude.

So I am on mantox at the moment – staying away from the penis – need to stay away from the penis, penis is bad. If I keep telling myself that will it eventually come true? I hope not. But of course it doesn’t prevent me from playing the game, have you met my alter ego, the Bitch. I actually think guys like the Bitch, I don’t give into their demands which of course makes them think they can soften me up which of course then leads to the eye roll and some damning comment which makes them feel like bad, bad men. Actually I quite enjoy the Bitch.

Having Furball here has opened my eyes again, he always does this, opens me up, brings Holly back, London Holly, challenged Holly, I can do anything I want Holly. I really miss him when he’s goes home. But for that short space in time I am me and he is here and we laugh…alot!!

So long, and thanks for all the fish. (google it)

H

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