Why I am loving the World Cup…

June 29, 2010 at 7:31 pm (2010)

Long Street,where I was on opening day weee that was a good night 🙂

  1. I can feel the African spirit pouring through my vein’s, the “gees” and for the first time in a long time I am feeling well and truly proud to be South African.
  2. Where else in the world would you wake up to the sound of honking horns, face’s painted, people dancing in the streets.
  3. Archbishop Desmond Tutu, I love that guy, “I feel like I am in a dreeem!”
  4. Watching the opening concert and the texts back on forth between myself and Vic, tears streaming just because we are so proud of our country.
  5. Watching black, white and coloured faces all joining together in the crowds around SA singing the National Anthem together.
  6. Meeting some amazing people from all over the world, having a laugh and having a beer and being devastated when England lost with their back sides in the air.
  7. Seeing South Africa well and truly showing the world what we are made of.
  8. The new high way link between De Waal, Hospital Bend and Rhodes drive, no more playing dodge the taxi while trying to cross 3 lanes of traffic.
  9. World Cup exhaustion, there aint nothing like rocking up to work after 3hrs of sleep, one too many tequila’s and a shiny gangsta top that says Cameroon on the back and the clothes you wore yesterday.
  10. Craziness, pure unadulterated craziness, sharing vuvuzela’s, dying of the swine and still partying till dawn.

Only two more weeks of exhaustion but hey, its only once in my lifetime I reckon, so its worth it!!

H 🙂

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Closure and the big 30

June 20, 2010 at 1:25 pm (2010)

The good, the bad and the ugly should be the title of this post but hey, its been a high string of emotion over the last few days, weeks, months but it’s finally here, I’m finally 30. After yesterdays ugly cries and laughs and giggles and arguments I feel like I am finally seeing the things clearly, the fog has been lifted and I can think straight again. I have realised who my true friends are and I have also realised that it’s over, finally over.

In true Cape Town fashion some people were dickheads, in the true spirit of friendship the people that mattered really mattered yesterday. People came through and really made my birthday feel special after spending the day crying and panicking and running around like a headless chicken.

I have come to the realisation that the reason why this birthday is so shit is because you get to a point where you go “FUCK, what have I done for the last 30 years and what have I achieved.” As you are growing up you have these plans for your life, by the time I am 30 I will be a journalist, by the time I am 30 I will be barefoot and pregnant, by the time I am 30 I will have married the love of my life and then you get here and you don’t have any of those things and then you go “FUCK, what now?” Time to set some goals and actually achieve them. The journey to 30 has been a great one though, the amount of shit I have gotten up to and the amount of good times and kak times but generally what a fucking epic journey thus far.

I finally got closure on Furball, it finally feels like the story has ended, the romantic fantasy I been living and building up in my head has finally been closed, that chapter of my life is over and funnily enough I am not really sad about it because I have a wonderful friend out of it. Someone that went all out for my birthday, someone who truly made me feel like a princess on my birthday. Besides the pepper spray and bouncers last night was a good night and I love him and all my other crazy friends for it.

My head is pounding and I have a filthy house to clean, there’s so much to say but not enough energy to say it.

So till next time or maybe later…

H

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Its just easier that way…

June 7, 2010 at 4:44 pm (2010)

There is so much to tell I will try and condense it into a few sentences because to be quite honest I am so over speaking about it.  I gave the player the boot, I realised as much as I enjoy playing games, playing games with someone you like only ever ends up hurting you. I did what I always do and wrote him a deep any meaningful letter and I was just blatantly honest, as only I can be. It gave me alot of closure, I dont feel the need to speak to him anymore, maybe one day we can be friends but I really dont need things to be complicated right now. I have my life to lead and I dont need someone who doesnt know who they are or what they want to shit on my parade and make me feel insecure about myself. Its just easier to be single right now, until I can face my fear of rejection in the work place I dont think I can face my fear of rejection in other avenues of my life, make sense?

Two weeks till I’m thirty, I’m actually afraid of that word – thirty – people are starting to look at me like I should stop the partying and become sensible, settle down, white picket fence and babies but what do they expect, my perfect match to just drop from the sky and I mean seriously do they expect me to settle like I have seen so many people do, I refuse to settle, I would rather be single and playing the game for the rest of my life than settle for someone who wont make me happy. Look its not ideal in any sense of the word, I would like to meet someone and have all these things but not if it means spending my life with someone who I just chose because it was convenient and my overies were starting to die then it wouldnt be worth it.

I feel rather hurt, rejected and angry at the moment and I could boy bash to my hearts content but I’m not going to. I could also just do what I did on Saturday night and throw name down my throat – Tequila, but its not worth it. Moving on. I’m finally moving to town and I hope that new adventure brings new beqinnings, like minded people and only good things, its time to tackle that mountain that I’ve avoided for so long and I’m scared and excited and I dont know where to begin.

H

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Carly Simon – Let the River Run

June 4, 2010 at 5:57 pm (2010)

We’re coming to the edge
running on the water
coming through the fog
your sons and daughters

Let the river run
let all the dreamers wake the nation
Come, the New Jerusalem.

Silver cities rise
the morning lights the streets that lead them
and sirens call them on with a song

It’s asking for the taking
trembling
shaking
Oh, my heart is aching

We’re coming to the edge
running on the water
coming through the fog
your sons and daughters

We the great and small
stand on a star
and blaze a trail of desire
through the darkening dawn

It’s asking for the taking
Come run with me now
the sky is the color of blue
you’ve never even seen
in the eyes of your lover

Oh, my heart is aching
We’re coming to the edge
running on the water
coming through the fog
your sons and daughters

It’s asking for the taking
trembling, shaking
Oh, my heart is aching

We’re coming to the edge
running on the water
coming through the fog
your sons and daughters

Let the river run
let all the dreamers
wake the nation
Come, the New Jerusalem.

Songs that are your secret guilty pleasures, songs that make you feel like you can do anything – this is one of them.

H

PS So much to tell but the Mask is on and the lettuce is calling 😉

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The Liberation of the Pornographic Film

May 26, 2010 at 5:59 pm (Just a few thoughts, Let's Talk About Sex Baby)

Perhaps I am just one of those liberated woman but to be quite honest I see nothing wrong with the adult film. I just finished watching Oprah, she had Jenna Jameson on, one of the industries more popular female leads and they were discussing how the adult film has become more common place in the bedroom.

Porn is everywhere these days, Samantha in Sex in the City made sex, dildos and multiple partners a popular subject amongst woman, and all of a sudden it was okay to discuss your boys and toys with your friends. The art of the sexual experience is no longer taboo, playing with yourself is healthy and normal and now porn is becoming okay too. Females are no longer turned off by what was once considered vile and dirty and only what boys did, it is now something that you can do with or without your partner. It is seen as something that can potentially enhance your sexual experience and maybe even teach you few more tricks.

I am not going to romanticize porn it is what is, bad actors, bad plots lines and all you really are waiting for is the climax (bad pun?) and don’t get me wrong there are certain aspects of the porn industry that I don’t agree with such as blatantly violent films and the non use of condoms. Condoms I suppose take away from what is happening in the scene but with all of the technology these days is there no way they can edit it out or just stop the take and just quickly put one on. And what is it teaching teenage boys that are enjoying themselves to these films, just a thought. There is of course the psychological impact of porn amongst teenage boys viewing and excessive use by men in general. As stated in this article in Time Magazine it can pervert a man’s image of how to treat a woman in day to day life and affect their relationships but once again we are going to the extreme. Porn tickles the curiosity of most but as with all things that are bad for you, everything in moderation, too much of a good thing is never good. Dependent on the person viewing it, I don’t see the harm, it can be fun you just can’t let the fun be what you classify as normal in day to day life.

A lot of my friends will disagree with what I think, there is still a conservative aspect amongst woman, and how we were brought up stops the liberation of sexuality amongst the woman in my generation.

Maybe I should have been born in the 60’s or I am just too liberal for certain parts of conservative South Africa but I see nothing wrong with exploring ones sexuality in whatever form it may come. No harm, no foul.

H

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Letter to a Player

May 25, 2010 at 9:42 pm (2010)

Hey P,

I could have sent all of this in text but I think I have been texting far too much ;).  I can’t stop thinking about what you said on Saturday night. First off I have to apologise for the way I behaved, I cant drink hard-tack, it turns me into a right bitch, staying away from the whisky.

I have always used my sexuality to gain the upper hand and for a long time I think I believed that what I was doing was the right way to go about things, I mean if men can do it so can I, right? Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly sexual person, I love it has much as the next, maybe even more but always sitting under the assumption that if I was this person I could get what I wanted which is ultimately love, a relationship etc…I think I have always known I was wrong, thinking that if things don’t work out it’s all one big giant adventure anyway, having fun, new experiences, what more could I want. Here I am this liberated woman who can come and go as I please, do whatever I want and hopefully not hurt myself in the process. How wrong am I, I am continuously setting myself up for rejection so that I don’t have to have to feel. I want all these things but yet when there might be the slightest chance that it will go that way I start pushing, as only I know how, its easy for me. I know which buttons to push. And then its a case of “all men are bastards” and we start all over again. But I am essentially I am the one that puts myself there, I am the one that allows it all to happen and I allow these people into my life knowing that all they want is one thing. It’s so incredibly difficult not to care and I always fall into that trap.

But then I met you, someone whose bullshitometer is quite strong you see through me, you see me for me, you see beyond the sex talk and the dirty innuendo’s and you see me for who I am and not what I can “do”. Don’t get me wrong the chemistry is off the charts, shew it really is. But you see beyond that and that’s what I like about you and that’s what I appreciate the most about you. When I say that I really think you and I can be good friends I really mean it P.  I want us to be friends more than anything else.

You’ve opened my eyes to what I’ve been doing and as much I enjoy a good adventure, I don’t enjoy it when it’s at my expense, so thank you. Its time to take a step back and re-evaluate, its time to take a step back from a lot of things.

Love Holly  xx

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And I didnt even need to leave the house :)

May 17, 2010 at 1:45 pm (2010, Fun and Games)

Shitballs what a weekend, who knew that sitting at home studying and basically suffering from the worst cabin fever ever, would end up in all this. The last time I was in a situation like this I was in London, ahh London, I still love you but this is where it gets interesting.

So Player boy finally broke it off with x, I didnt really believe it all to be quite honest, I dont know how to perceive the situation but I do know he wants me, I want him too but I’m not blind anymore so its easier to control, make sense? Saturday night, sitting at home, its about 1am and I am so over the books, I see my bottle of red vino, sitting there, all beautiful and ruby coloured and decide, screw this I’m cracking that baby and texting Player. Player didnt give me the response that I wanted so I sent a text to old faithful FWB, he came right over. I dont know how to explain this but FWB is so comfortable, so romantic in the way he does things and the best person to snuggle up to, I like him but my only fear with him is that he’s so gorgeous and lovely and there are so many girls out there that he could get. Have you ever felt that way about someone, like you arent good looking enough for them? I almost fear broaching the subject of where is this going just in case I lose what we currently have.

Sunday I spent the morning in bed with FWB, he makes me feel beautiful, the conversations we have and the things that he says, the way he touches me, I dont know, I’m confused because Player boy has snuck back into my thoughts, Player the complete opposite of the spectrum, with him its just passion and fiery lust and lots and lots of naughty thoughts. Player called Sunday evening, he was at the Engen getting dinner, I asked him to drop off some cigarettes, so he did, along with passionate kissing and the thought that if I dont stop this now I am going to end up shagging the guy.  Shew common sense prevailed I pushed him off. He left but he left his imprint in my mind, dammit I want him, I think his main aim in life is to drive me crazy.

So there it is, two boys and I think I know what they both want but it begs the question, is it what I want?

H

PS I love this picture, I love dragons.

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The romantic fantasy

May 15, 2010 at 8:20 pm (2010)

I’ve been chatting to the player online lately, I don’t like to burn bridges but understandably I have taken a step back, I don’t know what I want from him right now but one thing do I know is he still drives me insane, in a good way. He has told me he is going to end things with x because he realises that he is not ready to be in a relationship, hmm I can see it already luckily the “like blinkers” have been taken off and I know what he wants from me. What all boys want. On Friday we were discussing the romantic fantasy, we all have our sexual fantasies but as girls we have our romantic fantasies too.

I found this place when I was still dating Bad Shag, like I have said before I tried everything in that first year and half to try to get him to sleep with me but he stuck to his guns and alot of sulking was done that weekend. Holly sulky face, not a good place to be. But to get back to this place, its beautiful, it right up on the mountain in Franschoek, you are surrounded by forest, you even have your own fireplace and rock pool outside. You are completely secluded from the outside world and did I mention fireplace. Perfect for that mid winter romantic fantasy. Red wine, poofy couches and fluffy carpets – need I say more.  I really thought I was going to entice Bad Shag that weekend it was so perfect. Ja, I sulked alot.

But now Player boy has told me he wants to be the one to fulfill that fantasy, he says he’s the only one who could possibly fulfill that fantasy, this should be interesting. I told him, my birthday is coming up ha ha. Wine farms, fluffy carpets and a fireplace hmmm very interesting. Should I go for it?

Adventure is the name of the game, the verge of the 30th is making me want to experience everything I could possibly experience, I want to crack a bottle of champagne and toast the morning sunrise.

H

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Let them do the chasing?

May 8, 2010 at 7:34 pm (2010, Guy Skills)

I’ve been speaking to a lot of people lately regarding boys and just general, why, why, whys?

Vic told me something yesterday which Blade had told her when they first met, he said “that I must give guys the chance to win me over.” Valid point Vic, its difficult though because as Vic knows my patience levels are about a zero, I don’t want to wait for the boy to chase me, so I end up chasing them which I know is stupid. Men are still back in the cave, hunting and gathering and they still want to hunt their prey which is applicable in the dating game – they want to hunt you, pursue you and not the other way round because as soon as the prey turns around and starts chasing the hunter the hunter runs away. Yes guys, the unfortunate truth is dating dates back to the dinosaurs.

Then I started chatting to the Guru and he just reiterated what Blade said, guys like to do the chasing. Is this where I have gone wrong all this time? I also have this other problem, guys especially guys that I have shagged like to talk about sex with me, all the time. Is it because I’ve allowed myself to be that person to them, that’s all about the sex talk and nothing else. Do they not have anything else to talk to me about? I think because I am such a sexual person I’ve allowed that to overshadow the chances any man has ever had of actually getting to know me outside the bedroom. I think I need to go back to high school, make them wait. What a blowjob? I don’t think so.

My FWB (friend with benefits) came over last night, snuggles mmmm that was good. Just laying in bed all morning, talking, snuggling, kissing, playing. Happy place. I think, I’m keeping this FWB for winter. Also having an FWB means I wont be that keen to just jump in the sack with some guy that I do actually like because essentially I wont be a lighter shade of purple due to my FWB keeping the cobwebs at bay. Hmmm good plan?

So all in all, I need to learn patience and I need to let them chase me. This should be interesting, I might as well just chuck my cellphone in the bin.

H

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Parlotones – Push Me to the Floor

May 8, 2010 at 6:32 pm (2010)

Don’t stand next to me and think it
Comes so easy, I am not your toy
Coz you think love is something new,
But it is just a tool to make it alright

Push me to the floor don’t give up
Until I’m begging you for more
I’ll be thinking of the time I felt inspired

Don’t stand next to me I love the smell
Of ecstasy it makes me feel inspired
Coz you think love is like a sunrise
Up against you, somehow you’re
Always right

Push me to the floor don’t give up
Until I’m begging you for more
I’ll be thinking of the time I felt inspired

Push me to the floor,make me think
That you’re the one that I adore
Till the morning we will be as if
We’re meant to be

Your worth is worth nothing when it’s
At someone else’s cost
Fortune’s not appreciated when the
Sweet stuff comes to fast

Push me to the floor don’t give up
Until I’m begging you for more
I’ll be thinking of the time I felt inspired

Push me to the floor, make me think
That you’re the one that I adore
Till the morning we will be as if
We’re meant to be

Your worth is worth nothing when it’s
At someone else’s cost
Fortune’s not appreciated when the
Sweet stuff comes to fast

Push me to the floor don’t give up
I’ll be thinking of the time I felt inspired

My sister uploaded a whole bunch of songs to my phone and I came across this one the other day. I love music, my brother taught be everything I know hence the reason why I can listen to “kill your mother and slaughter a sheep music” and be in my happy place, along with opera, cheesy old school tunes and a whole bunch of other stuff. I however cannot listen to “rave” music, that doof doof does my head in, my friends have been trying to get me to go to a trance party for years but my argument remains the same – I love rock ‘n roll and the only way I would enjoy myself was if I was high on drugs, been there got the t-shirt, chucked it out with all of the other baggage I gave to charity.

Poetry and music, words, lyrics,  that old school tune that reminds you of that one club back in the day, or that one boy or the scents and sounds of a particular moment, it has that ability to take you back and place you in the moment.

I only really listened to this song properly for the first time the other day, took note of  the words and now I just watched the music video.

It puts into music the game playing aspect of relationships and then how that game turns into passion. Perhaps my reason for loving bad boys is that passion or perhaps it’s not getting what I want that drives me insane. Of course the word “inspired” made me think of player down below and the game we have been playing and then of course the fact that I still want to shag the guy, bad Holly.

Love this tune though.

H

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